After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

Despite 18 tries, Broderic says she hasn’t even come close to turning a smart but disadvantaged pupil’s life around through tutoring and mentoring.
Despite 18 tries, Broderic says she hasn’t even come close to turning a smart but disadvantaged pupil’s life around through tutoring and mentoring.

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year.

Broderic told reporters that not one of the students she has taken a special interest in has ever turned into an inspirational success story and that she was now “zero for 18” when it came to identifying bright but underachieving pupils and successfully unlocking their potential.

“I’ve been reaching out to promising kids that just need a little guidance since 1996, and to be honest, none of them has really blossomed into anything,” said the ninth-grade English teacher, adding that she was baffled by her inability to help a single troubled student maintain a C average, let alone make the honor roll. “For Christ’s sake, is it so hard to find one impressionable young person who no one else has ever believed in and turn their life around?”

“Every year, I tell myself I’m going to be the reason a struggling teenager excels beyond all expectations,” added Broderic. “And every goddamn year, I’m wrong.”

Since her first semester on staff at McClintock High, Broderic has repeatedly gone out of her way to nurture disruptive or withdrawn students that nevertheless displayed a certain spark, investing considerable time and energy that reportedly has not resulted in even one enrollment in an institution of higher education. According to Broderic, despite years of working individually with such students during lunch and after school, urging them to submit to the school’s literary magazine when they didn’t think they were talented enough, and even helping pay for their school supplies when their families could not afford to do so, she had “absolutely fucking zilch” to show for it.

Broderic confirmed to reporters that none of the students she has championed over the years has returned to campus to tell her she changed everything.

“I thought I had it in the bag with Zack Keeler back in 2003,” Broderic said. “When I first read his amazing Gatsby essay, I thought, this kid is really going to deliver. I’m going to give him some extra attention, and he’s going to get out of his tough neighborhood, maybe become a writer himself someday. Nope. Dropped out junior year and was cleaning pools last I heard. Completely crapped out on me.”

“I lent him my copy of Letters To A Young Poet,” said Broderic, a book she said greatly inspired her decision to become an educator. “He just drew samurai swords in the margins.”

According to Broderic, other disappointments included a student from Honduras who didn’t speak English until he was 7, a pregnant teenager who also worked a full-time cashier job, and a girl who had barely uttered a word since her father died—all of whom, despite Broderic’s dedicated mentoring, had “flamed out completely” before the year was even over.

“You know, maybe next year I’ll just pick a name out of a hat,” Broderic said. “I honestly couldn’t do any worse.”

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