adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Teacher Sees Potential In Student With Glasses

BALTIMORE—While taking roll during the first day of school yesterday, Algebra II teacher Gary Wandel said he thought eighth-grader Zachary McCoy, who was wearing wire-rimmed high-prescription eye glasses, had the appearance of an academic standout. "I look forward to discovering that Zach is a sophisticated, smart student who studies and loves to read," Wandel said. "I didn't assign any homework the first day, but it wouldn't surprise me if Zach decides to take a crack at the first two chapters." Wandel said he would most likely ignore the student who wore khaki pants, saying that just because a student has rich parents does not mean he should expect special treatment.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close