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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Teacher Sees Potential In Student With Glasses

BALTIMORE—While taking roll during the first day of school yesterday, Algebra II teacher Gary Wandel said he thought eighth-grader Zachary McCoy, who was wearing wire-rimmed high-prescription eye glasses, had the appearance of an academic standout. "I look forward to discovering that Zach is a sophisticated, smart student who studies and loves to read," Wandel said. "I didn't assign any homework the first day, but it wouldn't surprise me if Zach decides to take a crack at the first two chapters." Wandel said he would most likely ignore the student who wore khaki pants, saying that just because a student has rich parents does not mean he should expect special treatment.

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