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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Teacher Sees Potential In Student With Glasses

BALTIMORE—While taking roll during the first day of school yesterday, Algebra II teacher Gary Wandel said he thought eighth-grader Zachary McCoy, who was wearing wire-rimmed high-prescription eye glasses, had the appearance of an academic standout. "I look forward to discovering that Zach is a sophisticated, smart student who studies and loves to read," Wandel said. "I didn't assign any homework the first day, but it wouldn't surprise me if Zach decides to take a crack at the first two chapters." Wandel said he would most likely ignore the student who wore khaki pants, saying that just because a student has rich parents does not mean he should expect special treatment.

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