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Best Of March 2015

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Study: Not Many Disco Songs About Daytime

NEW YORK—In perhaps the most comprehensive analysis yet of the genre’s lyrical content, a Columbia University study published Friday found that very few disco songs have been written about daytime. The survey, which encompassed every known dis...

Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing

EVANSTON, IL—In the wake of a controversial video depicting two individuals in the fraternity’s University of Oklahoma chapter leading a racist chant, Sigma Alpha Epsilon officials instituted a new national policy Wednesday requiring all membe...
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Teacher Who Dedicates Life To Students Total Fucking Bitch

MERIDIAN, ID—Students at Union Junior High School reported Monday that eighth-grade history teacher Evelyn Carmody, a tireless educator who has dedicated her whole life to the vocation of teaching, is a total goddamn bitch. “I fucking hate her,” 14-year-old Scarlett Ramsey said of the woman who not only stays up well past midnight providing individual feedback on each paper she grades, but also sets aside nearly $1,000 of her income each year to buy books and basic supplies for students who can’t afford them. “Give us homework over a three-day weekend? Who does that bitch think she is? I hope she dies.” Sources also stated that eighth-grade English teacher Mark Bradstone, who doesn’t really give a shit about his job and shows up hungover most mornings, is super popular and very cool.

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