adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

CINCINNATI—Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Jefferson High School officials reportedly fired 10th-grade chemistry teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. “I just love being around the students—I honestly think I get more out of these classes than the kids do,” said Steenman, who was later summoned into a meeting with the school’s principal where she was informed that her contract would be terminated immediately for gross incompetence. “I learn something new from them each and every day. They teach me so much—far more than I could ever teach them.” The dismissal reportedly follows a series of reprimands from administrators, who recorded Steenman on numerous occasions stating that her curriculum was less about chemistry, per se, and more about learning how to learn.


More from this section

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close