Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

CINCINNATI—Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Jefferson High School officials reportedly fired 10th-grade chemistry teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. “I just love being around the students—I honestly think I get more out of these classes than the kids do,” said Steenman, who was later summoned into a meeting with the school’s principal where she was informed that her contract would be terminated immediately for gross incompetence. “I learn something new from them each and every day. They teach me so much—far more than I could ever teach them.” The dismissal reportedly follows a series of reprimands from administrators, who recorded Steenman on numerous occasions stating that her curriculum was less about chemistry, per se, and more about learning how to learn.

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