Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

CINCINNATI—Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Jefferson High School officials reportedly fired 10th-grade chemistry teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. “I just love being around the students—I honestly think I get more out of these classes than the kids do,” said Steenman, who was later summoned into a meeting with the school’s principal where she was informed that her contract would be terminated immediately for gross incompetence. “I learn something new from them each and every day. They teach me so much—far more than I could ever teach them.” The dismissal reportedly follows a series of reprimands from administrators, who recorded Steenman on numerous occasions stating that her curriculum was less about chemistry, per se, and more about learning how to learn.

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