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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Teacher Wishes She Could Inspire One Of The More Popular Students

GRESHAM, OR—After spending half an hour Monday instilling much-needed confidence in one of her most timid freshmen, Sam Barlow High School English teacher Karen Norgren, 48, expressed her desire to one day inspire one of the school's more popular students. "It would be nice, just once, to make a real, lasting impression on a confident, athletic student with tons of friends," said Norgren, who has reportedly grown tired of encouraging "dowdy old Phil Van" every day after fourth period. "Someone like Jason Feightner, for instance. He's got that cool, devil-may-care attitude. Guys want to be him, and girls want to be with him. Why can't I push him to reach his full potential?" Norgren then reportedly waited around in the senior parking lot in case Whitney Olsen or some of her friends wanted to chat about Things Fall Apart.

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