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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today. Witnesses reported that, beginning a half hour before the first bell rang until mid-afternoon, nearly half a dozen instructors had retreated to the faculty area to methodically rub their temples, dab at tears with a wadded-up tissue, or stifle whimpers as they sat with their head in their hands. At one point during fourth period, according to accounts, a ninth-grade English teacher burst into a crying fit while standing in full view of her colleagues, while at the same time, a history teacher reportedly sat in a stackable plastic chair in the opposite corner of the room and muttered unintelligibly to himself for 20 minutes while staring fixedly forward. Further reports have indicated that, over the same day-long period, the school’s various classrooms have been host to at least 53 separate instances of teachers quietly whispering “I can’t keep doing this” under their breath.

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