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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today. Witnesses reported that, beginning a half hour before the first bell rang until mid-afternoon, nearly half a dozen instructors had retreated to the faculty area to methodically rub their temples, dab at tears with a wadded-up tissue, or stifle whimpers as they sat with their head in their hands. At one point during fourth period, according to accounts, a ninth-grade English teacher burst into a crying fit while standing in full view of her colleagues, while at the same time, a history teacher reportedly sat in a stackable plastic chair in the opposite corner of the room and muttered unintelligibly to himself for 20 minutes while staring fixedly forward. Further reports have indicated that, over the same day-long period, the school’s various classrooms have been host to at least 53 separate instances of teachers quietly whispering “I can’t keep doing this” under their breath.

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