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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Team Owners Object to MLB's New Run-Sharing Agreement

NEW YORK—Major League Baseball's latest effort to achieve competitive parity by having larger-market teams share their runs with small-market teams drew fire last Wednesday after owners complained that the rule unfairly penalized better-performing clubs. "Subsidizing the offense of other teams isn't our job, so it really hurts when the Yankees lose because we have to give two of our five runs to the Royals," said Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner, referring to the previous night, when the league determined a Derek Jeter double off Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander had driven in Kansas City's Wilson Betemit and Mike Aviles. "And the Royals still got beat by the Orioles in extra innings." According to the agreement, the only big-market team that does not have to share its runs is the New York Mets "because, well, they're the New York Mets."

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