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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Team Owners Object to MLB's New Run-Sharing Agreement

NEW YORK—Major League Baseball's latest effort to achieve competitive parity by having larger-market teams share their runs with small-market teams drew fire last Wednesday after owners complained that the rule unfairly penalized better-performing clubs. "Subsidizing the offense of other teams isn't our job, so it really hurts when the Yankees lose because we have to give two of our five runs to the Royals," said Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner, referring to the previous night, when the league determined a Derek Jeter double off Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander had driven in Kansas City's Wilson Betemit and Mike Aviles. "And the Royals still got beat by the Orioles in extra innings." According to the agreement, the only big-market team that does not have to share its runs is the New York Mets "because, well, they're the New York Mets."

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