Team Roadie Accidentally Sets Lakers' Basket 8 Feet High

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Vol 46 Issue 13

NBA To Start Charging Teams For Free Throws

NEW YORK—In an effort to increase the league's revenue and offset the expensive cost of foul shots, commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the NBA would begin charging teams a $50 fee per free throw attempt.

Chimp In Cocaine Study Starts Lying To Friends

ATLANTA—Early in the study, Bobo's elevated mood and excessive chattering made him quite popular among the other chimpanzees. But researchers claimed that his increased irritability, short temper, and absenteeism at the jungle gym did not go unnoticed.

Area Man Foolishly Entrusted With Genetic Code

PALO ALTO, CA—Despite his laziness, unreliability, and below-average intelligence, 34-year-old local resident Dylan Fonseca has been given full access to the human genetic code, appalled biologists told reporters Monday.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Team Roadie Accidentally Sets Lakers' Basket 8 Feet High

NEW ORLEANS—The Lakers are claiming that burnout and fatigue during their long road swing led to a team roadie accidentally setting the basket at a sub-regulation 8 feet before their game against the Hornets Monday night. "We didn't even notice right away, but when Kobe jumped up for an alley-oop, hit his thighs on the top of the backboard, and tumbled behind it, we were all like, 'Dammit, Glenn!'" center Andrew Bynum said during a postgame press conference. "I mean, Glenn's a good guy, we love him, we'd have to do all that stuff ourselves if it wasn't for him and his crew, but how do you miss that?" The Lakers, who lost the game 108-100 due to unusually poor shooting from the field, said they were considering disciplinary action against the roadie, who had reportedly also failed to remove the brown M&Ms from the snack tray in the team's hotel suite.

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