Team Unsure Of What Fans Mean By 'Go!'

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Vol 47 Issue 48

In Theory

Showtime 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST Adventurous philosophy professor Jane Theory is a sexual dynamo whose intellectual musings during intercourse help her many partners reach epiphanies and orgasms they never dreamed possible.

Cain Drops Out

After a Georgia woman came forward and claimed she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain, the former Godfather's Pizza CEO announced he would suspend his campaign for the presidency.

Wife Hoarders

A&E 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST It’s nearly impossible to wade through the stacks and stacks of wives from the 1970s that Alan has stored in his living room.
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UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Team Unsure Of What Fans Mean By 'Go!'

CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying the command was not very specific and lacked any real substance, confused members of the Carolina Panthers football team were forced to call a timeout Sunday so they could try to figure out what their fans meant by "Go!" "Did they think we might stop playing the game or something? Because we weren't going to do that. We're under contract," quarterback Cam Newton told reporters, adding that fans should be a little more clear next week in terms of what they want. "I don't think they were telling us to go in a specific direction, either. Like forward or to the left or something. Overall, it was just really frustrating." Following the press conference, the Panthers had a team meeting, assumed the fans wanted them to leave North Carolina, and moved the franchise to Los Angeles.

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