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Team USA Devastated After Home Depot Refuses To Let Athletes Take Time Off For Olympics

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Team USA Devastated After Home Depot Refuses To Let Athletes Take Time Off For Olympics

COBB COUNTY, GA—Big-box home improvement giant the Home Depot, which has generously supported the U.S. Olympic team in past years by providing flexible employment for athletes in training, announced Thursday that the Olympians in their employ were "too valuable" to be granted time-off requests to compete in the upcoming London games. "We are sorry, but the Olympic athletes on our staff are by far our best employees—conscientious, disciplined, energetic, competitive, and in great shape—and we can't afford to let them go during the busy summer months," a press release from the retailer read in part. "We hope that any of our associates wishing to travel to London for the games will weigh the value of a career representing the quality, service, and value that the Home Depot stands for against the chance of representing, say, Team USA water polo, and choose accordingly." As of press time, no Olympian had yet announced a decision.

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