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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Team USA Devastated After Home Depot Refuses To Let Athletes Take Time Off For Olympics

COBB COUNTY, GA—Big-box home improvement giant the Home Depot, which has generously supported the U.S. Olympic team in past years by providing flexible employment for athletes in training, announced Thursday that the Olympians in their employ were "too valuable" to be granted time-off requests to compete in the upcoming London games. "We are sorry, but the Olympic athletes on our staff are by far our best employees—conscientious, disciplined, energetic, competitive, and in great shape—and we can't afford to let them go during the busy summer months," a press release from the retailer read in part. "We hope that any of our associates wishing to travel to London for the games will weigh the value of a career representing the quality, service, and value that the Home Depot stands for against the chance of representing, say, Team USA water polo, and choose accordingly." As of press time, no Olympian had yet announced a decision.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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