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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Team USA Devastated After Home Depot Refuses To Let Athletes Take Time Off For Olympics

COBB COUNTY, GA—Big-box home improvement giant the Home Depot, which has generously supported the U.S. Olympic team in past years by providing flexible employment for athletes in training, announced Thursday that the Olympians in their employ were "too valuable" to be granted time-off requests to compete in the upcoming London games. "We are sorry, but the Olympic athletes on our staff are by far our best employees—conscientious, disciplined, energetic, competitive, and in great shape—and we can't afford to let them go during the busy summer months," a press release from the retailer read in part. "We hope that any of our associates wishing to travel to London for the games will weigh the value of a career representing the quality, service, and value that the Home Depot stands for against the chance of representing, say, Team USA water polo, and choose accordingly." As of press time, no Olympian had yet announced a decision.

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