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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Team USA Devastated After Home Depot Refuses To Let Athletes Take Time Off For Olympics

COBB COUNTY, GA—Big-box home improvement giant the Home Depot, which has generously supported the U.S. Olympic team in past years by providing flexible employment for athletes in training, announced Thursday that the Olympians in their employ were "too valuable" to be granted time-off requests to compete in the upcoming London games. "We are sorry, but the Olympic athletes on our staff are by far our best employees—conscientious, disciplined, energetic, competitive, and in great shape—and we can't afford to let them go during the busy summer months," a press release from the retailer read in part. "We hope that any of our associates wishing to travel to London for the games will weigh the value of a career representing the quality, service, and value that the Home Depot stands for against the chance of representing, say, Team USA water polo, and choose accordingly." As of press time, no Olympian had yet announced a decision.

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