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Team USA Happy To Be Back Playing For Money

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Team USA Happy To Be Back Playing For Money

MIAMI—Back with their respective teams after a second disappointing showing in the World Baseball Classic, Team USA expressed relief to be playing for money again instead of the national pride that supposedly motivates them in the international tournament. "It really feels good to get back to being tangibly compensated for every baseball activity I perform," said third baseman Chipper Jones, who played in three of Team USA's eight games and struck out six times. "It was interesting for a little bit, donating some pro bono swings to my country, but it didn't feel completely right, like there was something missing. Something like money. I'm really looking forward to making some money again." Jones then placed a call to the commissioner's office to see if his recently displayed patriotism had made him more marketable.

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