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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Team USA Happy To Be Back Playing For Money

MIAMI—Back with their respective teams after a second disappointing showing in the World Baseball Classic, Team USA expressed relief to be playing for money again instead of the national pride that supposedly motivates them in the international tournament. "It really feels good to get back to being tangibly compensated for every baseball activity I perform," said third baseman Chipper Jones, who played in three of Team USA's eight games and struck out six times. "It was interesting for a little bit, donating some pro bono swings to my country, but it didn't feel completely right, like there was something missing. Something like money. I'm really looking forward to making some money again." Jones then placed a call to the commissioner's office to see if his recently displayed patriotism had made him more marketable.

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