adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Teammate Actually Trying To Do Homework During 30-Minute Period Between School, Practice

CHADDS FORD, PA—Watching in disbelief as she pulled out a textbook in the midst of the busy locker room, members of the Unionville High School field hockey team told reporters Thursday that sophomore forward Kelly Wilcox was actually trying to do some homework during the 30-minute period between school and the start of practice. “She’s sitting there with some bio worksheet on her lap that she’s rushing to finish, but what the hell does she think she’s going to accomplish in the next half hour?” said junior defender Katie Fitzgerald, adding that Wilcox, who changed into her practice clothes faster than anyone else on the team, was somehow tuning out the din of other girls talking and slamming lockers shut as she flipped through her textbook in search of answers to her homework questions. “You need a little time to grab your field hockey stuff and head to the locker room after ninth period lets out, and then it takes at least 15 minutes to change and walk over to the field, so she’s only got about 10 minutes, max, to get any work done. Why even bother?” At press time, locker room sources confirmed that, holy shit, it looked like Wilcox actually completed the entire assignment right before heading out to practice.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close