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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Teammates Feel Absolutely Nothing During Hug With Returning A-Rod

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Members of the New York Yankees reportedly failed to experience even the slightest tinge of emotion Monday while hugging teammate Alex Rodriguez, who returned to the lineup following a six-week layoff with a fractured hand. "You'd think after four years of playing together, traveling to away games, and hanging out in the clubhouse, I would at least have some feelings, either positive or negative, when embracing the guy," said Yankees outfielder Nick Swisher, explaining that the stiff, two-second embrace left him with a "cold, uncomfortable numbness." "I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel anything at all. Just complete emptiness. It was like putting my arms around a lamppost." Sources later confirmed that, despite the complete and utter indifference felt by every Yankee who greeted Rodriguez, the team did take some joy in watching the 14-time All-Star strike out during their 4-3 loss to the Tampa Bay Rays.

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