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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Teammates Feel Absolutely Nothing During Hug With Returning A-Rod

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Members of the New York Yankees reportedly failed to experience even the slightest tinge of emotion Monday while hugging teammate Alex Rodriguez, who returned to the lineup following a six-week layoff with a fractured hand. "You'd think after four years of playing together, traveling to away games, and hanging out in the clubhouse, I would at least have some feelings, either positive or negative, when embracing the guy," said Yankees outfielder Nick Swisher, explaining that the stiff, two-second embrace left him with a "cold, uncomfortable numbness." "I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel anything at all. Just complete emptiness. It was like putting my arms around a lamppost." Sources later confirmed that, despite the complete and utter indifference felt by every Yankee who greeted Rodriguez, the team did take some joy in watching the 14-time All-Star strike out during their 4-3 loss to the Tampa Bay Rays.

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