adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Teammates Feel Absolutely Nothing During Hug With Returning A-Rod

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Members of the New York Yankees reportedly failed to experience even the slightest tinge of emotion Monday while hugging teammate Alex Rodriguez, who returned to the lineup following a six-week layoff with a fractured hand. "You'd think after four years of playing together, traveling to away games, and hanging out in the clubhouse, I would at least have some feelings, either positive or negative, when embracing the guy," said Yankees outfielder Nick Swisher, explaining that the stiff, two-second embrace left him with a "cold, uncomfortable numbness." "I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel anything at all. Just complete emptiness. It was like putting my arms around a lamppost." Sources later confirmed that, despite the complete and utter indifference felt by every Yankee who greeted Rodriguez, the team did take some joy in watching the 14-time All-Star strike out during their 4-3 loss to the Tampa Bay Rays.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close