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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Teammates Pretty Sure Ben Roethlisberger Can No Longer Remember Their Names

PITTSBURGH— After Ben Roethlisberger repeatedly addressed his Pittsburgh teammates as "dude," "Mac," and "you there" for an entire practice session last Monday, the quarterback's fellow Steelers concluded that the oft-concussed Pro Bowler is unable to remember their names. "I walked up to him in the locker room and said, 'Hey Ben,' and he responded, 'Hey...brother,'"said a teammate who spoke on the condition of continued anonymity. "He only used a first name once, and that was when he was talking to Troy Polamalu. And he kept calling him Randy." When asked if he would be ready for Sunday's game, Roethlisberger said that as the third-string goalie, there is only so much he could do.

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