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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Tearful Rex Grossman: 'I Was Intercepted A Lot As A Child'

CHICAGO—Bears quarterback Rex Grossman, responding to being benched following his three-interception performance in a loss to the Dallas Cowboys, had to stop speaking in order to wrestle with his emotions at a post-game press conference Tuesday in which he tearfully admitted to reporters that as a child his friends and family would abuse him mercilessly on the football field by repeatedly picking off all of his throws. "I grew up terrified of what my mother or father would say if I took a sack, so I'd just throw the ball up for grabs as hard as I could," said Grossman, recalling a post-Thanksgiving-dinner outing in which his parents intercepted every pass meant for his friends and vice versa. "My first memory is playing touch football in my backyard and just wishing that the game would end, but they just seemed to go on forever. I'd just close my eyes and throw the ball and pray it would reach the right person, but my dad, uncle, creepy older cousin, or best friend always seemed to take advantage of my poor throws." A sobbing Grossman also confessed that his childhood pet Rocky, an elderly cocker spaniel, would often come up from behind him while he was holding the ball and nuzzle it with such force that he would fumble.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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