adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft. “I’m so excited for the opportunity to finally play in the NFL and show what I can do,” said Griffin, who quietly sniffled while smiling and shaking an invisible hand presumably belonging to league commissioner Roger Goodell. “I know I have a lot to prove, and it won’t be easy, but my goal is to be the best quarterback in the league. I can’t wait to get started in Washington—this is a dream come true.” At press time, a look of pure contentment came over Griffin’s face after he put on a Redskins hat, shut his eyes, and held up an old practice jersey with both hands.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close