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Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft. “I’m so excited for the opportunity to finally play in the NFL and show what I can do,” said Griffin, who quietly sniffled while smiling and shaking an invisible hand presumably belonging to league commissioner Roger Goodell. “I know I have a lot to prove, and it won’t be easy, but my goal is to be the best quarterback in the league. I can’t wait to get started in Washington—this is a dream come true.” At press time, a look of pure contentment came over Griffin’s face after he put on a Redskins hat, shut his eyes, and held up an old practice jersey with both hands.

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