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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Tech Is The Future, Reports Local Dad

NAPERVILLE, IL—Beginning his remarks by saying “These tech guys, I’ll tell you what,” local dad Alan Estlin stressed in conversation with his daughter today the important role he foresees the technology industry playing in the future. “Tech: that’s where it’s at,” said the 48-year-old tile supplier, adding that “kids today should all be going to school for tech” and that “a few years down the road, it’ll all be tech.” “Computers. The internet. Anyone with half a brain can see things are heading in that direction. And it’s all in California; that’s where it’s happening.” Sources say Estlin elaborated on his projections for the technology sector for upwards of 10 minutes, concluding that “in this job market, if you get a degree in computers, they’re gonna be banging down your door.”

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