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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Tech Is The Future, Reports Local Dad

NAPERVILLE, IL—Beginning his remarks by saying “These tech guys, I’ll tell you what,” local dad Alan Estlin stressed in conversation with his daughter today the important role he foresees the technology industry playing in the future. “Tech: that’s where it’s at,” said the 48-year-old tile supplier, adding that “kids today should all be going to school for tech” and that “a few years down the road, it’ll all be tech.” “Computers. The internet. Anyone with half a brain can see things are heading in that direction. And it’s all in California; that’s where it’s happening.” Sources say Estlin elaborated on his projections for the technology sector for upwards of 10 minutes, concluding that “in this job market, if you get a degree in computers, they’re gonna be banging down your door.”

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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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