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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Tech Tips

Technology innovates faster than many people can comfortably keep up. Here's some general tips to deal with the ever-changing, innovative world of technology.

  • Much like wine, the second cheapest option is usually the best.
  • Getting a portable hard drive is easier and cheaper than ever, but how much would you pay if all your precious photos and e-mail fell into the wrong hands? Certainly seems worth at least three grand.
  • Just ask your friend Brian. He reads up about all that kind of tech stuff.
  • Remember to reserve at least one-eighth of the contents of a can of compressed air for computer cleaning.
  • If your current gadget is starting to feel a little obsolete, just go to a Silicon Valley bar and order a round of sake bombs for everyone. Then scour the floor and bathroom, as those lightweight techies are sure to have left a cutting-edge prototype of some sort lying around there somewhere.
  • If you're still having problems after you've run a full system scan, check to make sure your antivirus software's Israeli state cyberwarfare firewall is turned on.
  • Try communicating with your devices. Learn how to beep and boop simply by using your mouth.