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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Tech Tips

Technology innovates faster than many people can comfortably keep up. Here's some general tips to deal with the ever-changing, innovative world of technology.

  • Much like wine, the second cheapest option is usually the best.
  • Getting a portable hard drive is easier and cheaper than ever, but how much would you pay if all your precious photos and e-mail fell into the wrong hands? Certainly seems worth at least three grand.
  • Just ask your friend Brian. He reads up about all that kind of tech stuff.
  • Remember to reserve at least one-eighth of the contents of a can of compressed air for computer cleaning.
  • If your current gadget is starting to feel a little obsolete, just go to a Silicon Valley bar and order a round of sake bombs for everyone. Then scour the floor and bathroom, as those lightweight techies are sure to have left a cutting-edge prototype of some sort lying around there somewhere.
  • If you're still having problems after you've run a full system scan, check to make sure your antivirus software's Israeli state cyberwarfare firewall is turned on.
  • Try communicating with your devices. Learn how to beep and boop simply by using your mouth.
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