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Vol 47 Issue 49

Coach Secretly Turned On By Illegal Formation

TAMPA BAY, FL—Buccaneers quarterbacks coach Alex Van Pelt admitted to reporters Saturday that even though he knows it's wrong and "very, very naughty," he secretly gets aroused when he sees a team line up in an illegal formation.

Who Is Romney Today?

Critics have long complained that instead of sticking to strong positions on issues such as immigration, federal spending, and health care reform, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has routinely changed his stance to appeal to voters. Here...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Tech Tips

Technology innovates faster than many people can comfortably keep up. Here's some general tips to deal with the ever-changing, innovative world of technology.

  • Much like wine, the second cheapest option is usually the best.
  • Getting a portable hard drive is easier and cheaper than ever, but how much would you pay if all your precious photos and e-mail fell into the wrong hands? Certainly seems worth at least three grand.
  • Just ask your friend Brian. He reads up about all that kind of tech stuff.
  • Remember to reserve at least one-eighth of the contents of a can of compressed air for computer cleaning.
  • If your current gadget is starting to feel a little obsolete, just go to a Silicon Valley bar and order a round of sake bombs for everyone. Then scour the floor and bathroom, as those lightweight techies are sure to have left a cutting-edge prototype of some sort lying around there somewhere.
  • If you're still having problems after you've run a full system scan, check to make sure your antivirus software's Israeli state cyberwarfare firewall is turned on.
  • Try communicating with your devices. Learn how to beep and boop simply by using your mouth.
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