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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Ted Cruz Names This Fuckin’ Lady—Remember Her?—As VP Pick

INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to regain momentum after a disappointing showing in Tuesday’s primaries, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz announced at a rally Wednesday that his choice for vice president would be this fuckin’ lady—remember her? “I’ve prayed about this decision for a long time, and I wholeheartedly believe that she is the right person to fight for the future of our country,” said Cruz of that woman from before, you know, the one who got fired from the computer company for doing a shitty job and sucked so bad at running for president that she quit after just two primaries. “She has proven herself to be an impressive business leader and defender of American values. I have complete confidence in [this goddamn woman again] as my running mate.” At press time, sources were speculating that Donald Trump would likely soon select that huge fucking asshole who’s always hanging around him as his running mate.

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