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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Ted Cruz Opens Up To Town Hall Audience About Early Days As Larva Feeding On Porcupine Carcass

MILWAUKEE—Attempting to connect with voters in the run-up to Wisconsin’s crucial state primary next week, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly opened up to a town hall crowd Tuesday about his early days as a larva feeding on a rotting porcupine carcass. “Those days spent regurgitating my own bile in order to soften up the animal’s decomposing flesh taught me a lot about life and really shaped who I am today,” said a wistful Cruz, adding that he learned to appreciate hard work and family while burrowing alongside the hundreds of other members of his brood into the most festering part of the carrion. “Those were much simpler times for America, back when every parent could easily provide enough animal remains for their young, and the biggest worry was finding a warm, dry location in which to pupate. Of course, it wasn’t always easy to tunnel through the layers of decayed muscle tissue to reach the sweet, putrefied viscera inside the abdomen, but that struggle prepared me to fight for this country.” According to sources, Cruz concluded the speech by promising voters he would remake America into the kind of place his children would be proud to deposit clutches of eggs into.

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