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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Ted Cruz Skyrockets In Polls After Head Permanently Sealed Within Iron Mask

HOUSTON—Bouncing back from a disappointing third-place finish in the Nevada caucuses, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly surged in the polls this week after having his head permanently sealed inside a 2-inch-thick iron mask. “Cruz has found new life with voters and is currently riding a wave of popularity into Super Tuesday’s primaries after his team made the shrewd strategic move to enclose the candidate’s head inside a 60-pound cylinder of wrought iron,” said political commentator Leslie Morrison, noting that voters have responded extremely favorably to the Texas senator’s face being completely concealed from view and every one of his talking points rendered inaudible by the thick iron casing surrounding his face. “Whether it’s the fear visible in his eyes through the thin slit in his mask, his muffled screams for help, or his repeated and entirely futile attempts to pry the riveted-shut metal covering off his head, people are finally seeing Cruz in a way that really resonates with them.” The latest polls released Tuesday showed Cruz climbing another 10 points after the dehydrated, staggering candidate toppled over at a campaign rally and was too weak to lift his heavy, iron-encased head back up off the floor.

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