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Ted Cruz Worried All The Good Countries To Wall Off Taken By Other Candidates

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Election 2016

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak
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Ted Cruz Worried All The Good Countries To Wall Off Taken By Other Candidates

TIPTON, IA—Following Gov. Scott Walker’s recent endorsement of building a fence along the Canadian border, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly worried Monday that all the good foreign countries to wall off from the U.S. had already been taken by other GOP candidates. “Sheesh, the rest of the guys snatched up the best countries right away and now all that’s left to barricade ourselves off from are a few crummy islands,” said Cruz, who appeared visibly distressed upon realizing that, in order to gain attention on the issue of immigration, he was now stuck with backing a plan to build a U.S. border wall in the middle of the Caribbean Sea to keep out undocumented Bahamian citizens. “Boy, I should have jumped on a better option when I still had the chance—it’s down to slim pickings now. Hmm, maybe I can say it would be in the best interests of Americans to build a steel barrier across the Bering Strait to prevent Russian criminals from entering Alaska. That doesn’t sound so bad.”At press time, sources confirmed that Cruz reassured himself that there were still plenty of decent options among minority groups that he could tear into for causing all of the nation’s woes.


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