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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Ted Danson Totally Nails Tonight Show Interview

BURBANK, CA—Despite his initial anxiety, actor Ted Danson reported Tuesday that he "totally nailed" an important five-minute interview aired at 12:15 a.m. with Tonight Show host Jay Leno. "I really thought I was going to blow it, that I wouldn't know how to answer any of Mr. Leno's questions, but I somehow lucked out and had an anecdote for just about every single one," said Danson, who claimed that he gave Leno a firm handshake when he came out, made a reference to a bit from earlier in the program to showcase his familiarity with the show, and even made Leno laugh out loud a number of times. "Mr. Leno seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, and at the end of the interview, he asked me to stick around." Danson added, "I think they'll have me back."

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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