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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Teemu Selanne Practices Kissing Stanley Cup On Hand

ANAHEIM—Ducks forward and team scoring leader Teemu Selanne, who has not won a championship in his 16 NHL seasons, has been using his hand to practice kissing the Stanley Cup since his team won the first game of the Finals, sources close to the team report. "He began by hoisting a pretend Stanley Cup over his head, which was pretty normal," said Anaheim goalie Jean-Sebastien Giguere, who accidentally stumbled onto Selanne's tentative locker-room practice sessions Tuesday night when he returned to retrieve his forgotten car keys. "Then he sort of formed his hand into a Stanley Cup-like shape, closed his eyes, and sort of brushed his lips on it gingerly. It was rather awkward." Giguere said his offer to loan Selanne his homemade aluminum-foil kissing-practice cup was rebuffed by Selanne as "just sad."

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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