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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Teemu Selanne Practices Kissing Stanley Cup On Hand

ANAHEIM—Ducks forward and team scoring leader Teemu Selanne, who has not won a championship in his 16 NHL seasons, has been using his hand to practice kissing the Stanley Cup since his team won the first game of the Finals, sources close to the team report. "He began by hoisting a pretend Stanley Cup over his head, which was pretty normal," said Anaheim goalie Jean-Sebastien Giguere, who accidentally stumbled onto Selanne's tentative locker-room practice sessions Tuesday night when he returned to retrieve his forgotten car keys. "Then he sort of formed his hand into a Stanley Cup-like shape, closed his eyes, and sort of brushed his lips on it gingerly. It was rather awkward." Giguere said his offer to loan Selanne his homemade aluminum-foil kissing-practice cup was rebuffed by Selanne as "just sad."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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