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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Teen Boulder Can't Wait For Landslide To Roll It Into Ravine Where They Get It

SALIDA, CO—Saying that he’s sick of his native mountainous escarpment and tired of being surrounded by “a bunch of squares,” a local teen boulder revealed Monday that it desperately wants to roll down into a nearby ravine where they actually get it. “The rocks and shrubs in the ravine below—they know the deal,” the adolescent stone told reporters, explaining that the boulders on the upper crags of its cliff face “seriously don’t have a clue.” “Down there, they get who I am and what I’m all about. Not like the losers up here.” The boulder went on to claim that it couldn’t take its current surroundings much longer and would definitely roll down into the ravine after “another 500 or 600 years of erosion, tops.”

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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