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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Teen Boulder Can't Wait For Landslide To Roll It Into Ravine Where They Get It

SALIDA, CO—Saying that he’s sick of his native mountainous escarpment and tired of being surrounded by “a bunch of squares,” a local teen boulder revealed Monday that it desperately wants to roll down into a nearby ravine where they actually get it. “The rocks and shrubs in the ravine below—they know the deal,” the adolescent stone told reporters, explaining that the boulders on the upper crags of its cliff face “seriously don’t have a clue.” “Down there, they get who I am and what I’m all about. Not like the losers up here.” The boulder went on to claim that it couldn’t take its current surroundings much longer and would definitely roll down into the ravine after “another 500 or 600 years of erosion, tops.”

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