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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Teen Boulder Can't Wait For Landslide To Roll It Into Ravine Where They Get It

SALIDA, CO—Saying that he’s sick of his native mountainous escarpment and tired of being surrounded by “a bunch of squares,” a local teen boulder revealed Monday that it desperately wants to roll down into a nearby ravine where they actually get it. “The rocks and shrubs in the ravine below—they know the deal,” the adolescent stone told reporters, explaining that the boulders on the upper crags of its cliff face “seriously don’t have a clue.” “Down there, they get who I am and what I’m all about. Not like the losers up here.” The boulder went on to claim that it couldn’t take its current surroundings much longer and would definitely roll down into the ravine after “another 500 or 600 years of erosion, tops.”

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