Teen Drowns Right In Middle Of Grief Counselor's First Date In Two Years

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

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Teen Drowns Right In Middle Of Grief Counselor's First Date In Two Years

ANKENY, IA—In a turn of events local grief counselor Maggie Hedrick described Tuesday as "typical" and "[her] life in a nutshell," the 32-year-old’s first date since entering her 30s ended abruptly Sunday when the lifeless body of Washburn High School sophomore David Schiller was found in nearby Big Creek Lake.

"The waiting is the hardest part," says Hedrick. "At least David's parents don't have to go through that."

Schiller, who could literally have chosen any other day in the last two years to achieve a reported blood-alcohol level of .22, fall out of his canoe, and ingest three gallons of water, opted to drown on the one evening Hedrick had plans to meet and have dinner with an actual single male.

"Why is it no one ever jumps off a building or dies in a car crash when I’m stuck playing solitaire at home?" Hedrick said. "I pulled weeds from my garden all day Saturday. Where were all the drownings of teenaged boys with their whole lives still ahead of them then?"

While Hedrick acknowledged that no one is ever prepared for a tragic loss of the magnitude of Schiller’s death, she said she should have nonetheless seen it coming, given her personal luck. "Helping family members through the grieving process is never easy," Hedrick said. "But it’s especially heartbreaking when you have to ditch a handsome guy who also happens to like early-20th-century architecture."

Schiller

Emergency rescue teams, working with what Hedrick called "speed and efficiency on a level I’d never before seen from them, of course," recovered Schiller’s body less than 40 minutes after Hedrick and substitute teacher Jeff Lindenbaum, 30, met for dinner at a local seafood restaurant. Approximately 15 minutes later, Hedrick received a call from Ankeny police summoning her to the scene of the accident, as if her immediate presence would somehow bring Schiller’s bloated, waterlogged corpse back to life.

A report issued Monday by the Polk County Coroner’s Office put Schiller’s time of death somewhere between the moment Lindenbaum arrived at Hedrick’s residence with a bouquet of fresh flowers at 6:34 p.m. and the very instant both realized that the other also had wishes to someday raise a family at 6:58 p.m.

"I don’t want to sound insensitive, but David’s parents will have the rest of their lives to mourn the death of their only son," said Hedrick, who claimed to have a "pretty good idea" how Howard and Janet Schiller felt when they heard the news. "Initial denial of a tragedy is a natural and understandable human impulse. What’s another two or three hours, in the grand scheme of things?"

"Don’t get me wrong, it would’ve been a whole different situation had the date been going badly. In fact, I would have probably welcomed Schiller’s death if that had been the case," Hedrick added. "But Jeff and I were really hitting it off."

Although Lindenbaum left a message on Hedrick’s voice mail late Sunday night, he has not called again since, leading Hedrick to fear that a rare opportunity for a serious relationship may have been "totally blown."

"David’s death has affected not only those who knew him, but also those who had never even met him," Hedrick said. "Not even once."

"I don’t know exactly how Howard and Janet are handling this, as I’ve been too busy wondering if Jeff will ever call me again to actually pay attention, but I imagine they must feel responsible on some level," continued Hedrick. "While it’s just a hypothesis, there’s a possibility that if both parents had paid more attention to their son, I would be getting laid right now."

"What a tragic waste of a night," she added.

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