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Teen Exposed To Violence, Profanity, Adult Situations By Family

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

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NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

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FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

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MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

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CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

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Teen Exposed To Violence, Profanity, Adult Situations By Family

BROWNSVILLE, TX–According to the conservative watchdog group Family Research Council, the home of 15-year-old Beth Arnott contains violence, profanity, adult situations, and other material "wholly unsuitable" for those 16 and under.

"That house is filled with inappropriate material that sets a poor example for the impressionable youths living there," said Family Research Council president Kenneth Connor, citing 44 instances of domestic violence, adult language, nudity, and graphic sexual content in the Brownsville home in the past month alone. "This is hardly the sort of family we should be exposing our nation's children to."

Connor noted that Beth's stepfather, 43-year-old Randy Skowron, frequently walks around the house in an open bathrobe, inadvertently exposing his genitalia to Beth. He also cited numerous incidents of Skowron hitting Beth's brother Ronnie with an open hand for being "all mouthy and disrespectful." Beth herself was subjected to a similar act of violence when she was caught shoplifting a Victoria's Secret bra at Valle Vista Mall.

Other inappropriate material to which Beth has been exposed includes frequent use of the term "skank-ass bitch," nightly binges of Mad Dog 20/20, and an incident in which she inadvertently stumbled across Skowron and her mother in coitus just minutes after the pair had been throwing kitchen appliances at each other.

"The family is the most important factor when it comes to promoting family-friendly themes," Connor said. "The Arnotts may pay lip service to being a pro-family family, but their actions speak otherwise."

Author and critic Michael Medved, a leading proponent of stricter moral standards, agreed.

"These are graphic sexual themes which could take a girl, just coming into an understanding of her own sexuality, and twist her around until she doesn't know right from wrong," said Medved, co-author of Saving Childhood: Protecting Our Children From The National Assault On Innocence. "I feel sorry for Beth, for her childhood has been lost and her innocence assaulted."

A parental-advisory sticker warns of a family not recommended for children 16 and under.

"We challenge the Arnotts to get serious about the vital role they play in shaping America's culture," said U.S. Rep. Steve Largent (R-OK), who has proposed legislation requiring warning labels on non-family-friendly families. "Look at the Petersons right next door. With their regular attendance at church, frequent family outings to Chuck E. Cheese's, and weekly Sunday-night Scrabble games, the Petersons are the sort of wholesome, socially redemptive family this country needs more of. Why must we put up with this vile Arnott filth when there are such wonderful alternatives literally right next door?"

Following Largent's lead, concerned Brownsville residents are calling for the placement of a parental-advisory sticker on the Arnotts' front door which warns that interaction with the family is not recommended for children 16 or younger. In addition, locals have petitioned Cat Marine Machine Tooling, Skowron's employer, to fire the man, threatening to withdraw their patronage if the shop continues to "endorse the deplorable actions in Beth's home by keeping Mr. Skowron on the payroll."

One neighbor, wishing to remain anonymous, said: "We don't want to censor anybody, but we have an obligation to the community and to our children. We can monitor our kids within our own home, but we can't protect them when they go out into the world every day and are exposed to sex, violence, and drug use by families like that."

For all the controversy her family has stirred, Beth remains nonplussed.

"It's not a big deal," said Beth, smoking a Kool cigarette stolen from her mother's purse. "Just because I see Mom giving Randy blow jobs and Ronnie huffing paint don't mean I'm gonna do that shit. I can think for myself."

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