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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Teen Gives Up Smoking Pot After Seeing Parents High

DEDHAM, MA—Elyssa Schuster, 16, swore Monday that she will never again experiment with marijuana after coming home to "obviously baked" parents Harold and Judy Saturday night. "I used to think smoking pot made you look cool, but, boy, was I wrong," Schuster said. "Dad got all paranoid about the mortgage rate while Mom spent an hour giggling about how dusty the ceiling fan was. It was so sad and depressing." Schuster said she was thankful to be scared straight before she made a fool of herself again.

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