Teen Handed Awesome Responsibility Of Closing Subway Alone

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Vol 40 Issue 46

Guy From Pringles Ad Convicted Of Murder On Law & Order

RIO RANCHO, NM—Lionel Carver, who appears in a Pringles commercial currently airing on major networks, was convicted of first-degree murder on NBC's Law & Order, area TV viewer Cami Taylor reported Monday. "When [Carver] was led into the courtroom, I knew I'd seen him before," Taylor said of Carver, who played Hank Greene, a domestic abuser charged with beating his wife to death with a tire iron. "Then it hit me—he's the dad in that ad where the kids keep asking him trivia questions printed on the chips." Taylor said she was happy Carver was convicted, but added that "knowing our TV justice system, he'll probably be back on the streets in a Verizon commercial in a matter of weeks."

Ghost Can't Make A Simple Cup Of Coffee Without Everyone Freaking Out

BOUTTE, LA—Former police chief Robert J. Kensworth, whose specter still roams the top floor of the old Third Precinct station, said Monday that he is unable to make a cup of coffee without everyone freaking out. "Can't a man make himself a cup of joe without some cleaning lady screaming her head off or some bandy-kneed recruit falling all over himself?" asked Kensworth, who was knifed to death by a convict in the third-floor hallway six years ago. "So there's a cup and saucer floating in midair... What do they want? I'm supposed to drink out of my hands?" According to Tom Carlton, who has worked at the Third Precinct for 17 years, "old hardnosed Kensworth" loved his coffee.

FDA Recommends The Blue Marlin

ROCKVILLE, MD—The Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that it recommends the blue marlin for its combination of flavor, texture, and price. "Have you tried the blue marlin?" FDA commissioner Lester M. Crawford asked, referring to the broiled ocean fish served on a bed of sautéed corn, tomato, and lima beans. "It's absolutely delicious. Really, you must try it, along with a glass of Chardonnay or a light beer." The FDA said the crab cakes are excellent, as well.

Son Conned Out Of Allowance For Seventh Consecutive Week

MISSOULA, MT—For the seventh week in a row, Bill Trusky cheated his son Shane out of the boy's $3 allowance, the 8-year-old's father said Monday. "Sorry, Shane, I said it was double or nothing if you could sneeze with your eyes open," Trusky said. "But I'll tell you what: If you can mow the lawn—front and back—in 20 minutes, I'll pay you triple." Household sources report that Shane might have completed the task had Trusky not hurled a croquet ball in the mower's path 10 feet before his son finished.

Actual Governing To Resume

WASHINGTON, DC—Following 16 months of non-stop campaigning, members of the executive and legislative branches of the U.S. government returned to the task of governing the country Monday. "The electioneering is over, so it's time to get back to work," said U.S. Sen. Kit Bond (R-MO), who won a third term Nov. 2, beating Democrat Nancy Farmer. "I got the time, so I may as well use it writing and enacting some laws, I guess." Bond said he hopes to get a lot accomplished before summer, when he'll need to begin campaigning again.

Back In The Driver's Seat

Hola, amigos. Who's your daddy? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there's been no end of troubles in Anchower Town.
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Teen Handed Awesome Responsibility Of Closing Subway Alone

BARTLESVILLE, OK—Subway sources report that employee Jeremy Prusher, 17, appeared proud and a little nervous after accepting the momentous duty of closing the franchise location by himself Monday night.

Prusher, minutes after being told that he, and he alone, would be in charge of closing the restaurant.

"Okay, here are keys to the front door and the deadbolt at the back," said Michael Rotley, 32, who has managed the Juniper Avenue restaurant since March 2003. "I know it seems like a lot to remember the first time, but as long as the doors are locked, the alarm is set, and the lids on the sandwich line are closed, I probably won't fire you."

"Just kidding about the firing," Rotley added. "But seriously, if those lids are up, we'll have to throw everything out. That's hundreds of dollars in product, so don't forget."

A Subway employee since Aug. 1, Prusher quickly earned several positive performance reviews and a 45-cent raise. Rotley said that, although Prusher is only a high-school junior, he is "perfectly capable" of closing Subway.

"Jeremy's a good kid," said Rotley, who also attends a night class at Tulsa Community Business College. "Normally, an assistant manager or a shift lead closes, but I don't foresee any problems. If he follows the checklist taped up on the walk-in cooler, he should do just fine."

While he expressed surprise at being handed so much responsibility so soon, Prusher said he believes he will rise to the occasion.

"I think I've got a handle on it," Prusher said. "I've been working at night helping other people close, so I have a pretty good idea what happens. I know the drill. Like, even before Michael told me, I knew he slid the cash envelope into the safe in the breakroom after he Z-ed out the register."

Added Prusher: "I think it'll be a while before he trusts me with the combination to the safe, though. A long while."

Prusher said he has a plan in place in case he encounters any setbacks while closing.

"[Coworker] Dewey [Taylor] has closed a bunch of times," Prusher said. "If I run into any problems, I'll call his cell. He lives pretty close."

Although the duty does not come with a pay raise, Prusher expressed gratitude for the opportunity to prove himself.

"I can do this," said Prusher, who has reread the list of end-of-night duties six times since he was asked to close Subway all by himself. "I worked over at the McDonald's by my house for a couple months before I came on here. There, a manager would always close the store, but he just sat there and watched me do everything. I totally could've done it by myself."

Prusher said he will not betray Rotley's trust by giving friends free food or eating more than his earned meal allotment.

"I've heard of people giving their buddies free subs, but I always thought that was immature," Prusher said. "You're just asking for trouble. Do they think the manager isn't going to notice that a bunch of food is gone the next morning?"

Prusher said he will, however, continue to honor unspoken agreements with employees of stores adjacent to Subway in the strip mall.

"If the guys from the TCBY or Domino's come by, I'll hook them up, like we always do," Prusher added. "I'm not going to get all high and mighty just because I'm closing by myself."

To make his night go more smoothly, Prusher said he plans to take advantage of coworker Nate Sankey as much as possible until Sankey's shift ends at 10 p.m.

"I'll try to get Nate to do a bunch of cleaning and stocking before he goes," Prusher said. "If there's no rush in the last hour, I'm pretty sure I'll be fine. There'll still be a lot of sweeping and mopping to do, but I'm gonna get the bucket all set up so all I have to do is add water. If there's a rush, I'll have to restock the cooler, which sucks. I want to do a good job and all, but I don't want to be here all night. It'll take 20 minutes just to flip and sanitize the sandwich counter."

"I'm just glad it's Monday," Prusher added. "Mondays are usually pretty dead."

Rotley said he doesn't generally entrust an employee with a closing shift before his six-month evaluation, but poor scheduling left him no alternative.

"I just wasn't thinking, and I forgot I had plans to meet up with some friends to see a movie," Rotley said. "But Jeremy will do fine. Maybe I'll drive past the store after the movie to make sure Jeremy's not standing in front of the alarm tearing his hair out."

A Domino's Pizza employee later reported that Prusher closed the store without incident, but after 15 minutes returned to check the front and back doors and peer through the window to make sure the sandwich-bar lids were shut.

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