adBlockCheck

Teen Mortified After Winning Academic-Achievement Award

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Teen Mortified After Winning Academic-Achievement Award

MARION, IN–Grover Cleveland Middle School student Jamie Ganser, 14, expressed mortification and a desire to die Monday upon learning that she had won the 2001 Eighth Grade Academic Achievement Award.

Jamie Ganser reluctantly poses with her award.

"Now the whole school is going to think I'm the biggest geek," Ganser told best friend and classmate Lacey Richards, who has a socially acceptable B-minus average. "I'm not that smart. It's just that my classes were really easy this year."

Ganser said she was "shocked" to learn that she was to be lauded for her academic performance, as she had been careful all year to keep her level of achievement low enough to avoid attention.

"Last year, [social-studies teacher] Mrs. Knauf was so happy with my essay 'What Liberty Means To Me,' she made me get up and read it to the class," Ganser said. "I learned my lesson from that: This year, I vowed to do much worse, but it looks like I failed."

As part of her plan, Ganser answered teachers' questions only if called upon and never raised her hand, even if she knew the answer. Though she enjoys reading, citing John Steinbeck and Ray Bradbury as two of her favorite authors, Ganser was careful only to do so at home, carrying copies of nothing more literary than Teen People to read in study hall.

Ganser also took pains never to take on extra-credit assignments or study too hard for tests.

"Only the biggest dorks are all into getting good grades," Ganser said. "I may get good grades, but I'm not into it. It just sort of happened by accident."

"There are lots of geeks they could've given this award to who would've totally loved it," Ganser continued. "But, no, they want to ruin my life. What did I do to deserve this?"

According to Grover Cleveland principal Dr. Myles Auletta, Ganser richly deserved the award.

"Besides earning straight A's, Jamie participated in band and Spanish Club, and had an excellent attendance record," Auletta said. "Jamie is a top student, but her teachers say she's not much of a leader. The committee felt this award would be exactly the confidence boost she needs to get out there and really shine."

To Ganser's horror, Auletta announced the winners of the end-of-year awards over the school's P.A. system during his morning address. Unaware she would win the prize, Ganser did not even have a chance to stay home sick the day of the announcement.

"I was just sitting there during homeroom, and Mr. Auletta comes on and says, 'Congratulations to the following students...' Out of nowhere, he says my name. The whole homeroom turned and looked right at me."

Ganser said she tried to pretend she didn't hear her name announced. Her attention-deflecting efforts were foiled, however, when homeroom teacher Vicki Dresser said, "How nice for you, Jamie!" and encouraged students to "give our homeroom's very own celebrity scholar a round of applause." A handful of Ganser's classmates half-heartedly complied while Ganser blushed and paged through her algebra book.

Reviewing the full list of awardees posted on the glass window of the school's main office, Ganser's humiliation only grew.

"Vonja Dagenhardt is that weird girl who carries all her books for the entire day with her to every class," Ganser said. "Ryan Leeven is a total know-it-all who everyone hates–his parents won't even let him celebrate Halloween. These are the people I'm forever linked to."

Reflecting on her accomplishment, Ganser said she should have worked harder to avoid such a fate.

"I knew I never should have toughed it out and gone to school all those times I was feeling sick last winter," Ganser said. "Then there was the spelling bee. I couldn't decide if I'd feel stupider spelling the words right or wrong, so I just gave the right answers. Just look where it got me."

Ganser said another strike against her may have been her high scores on recent end-of-year standardized tests.

"I didn't worry about doing too well, because the scores are all kept secret," Ganser said. "I scored in at least the 95th percentile on everything, but whenever anyone asked me how I did, I was like, 'I can't remember.' I thought I was safe, but obviously I wasn't."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close