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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Teen Rebel Refusing To Purchase Yearbook

WESTERVILLE, OH—Refusing to march in lockstep with the other drones at Westerville Junior High, 16-year-old rebel Chris Iconia announced Monday he would not be purchasing a copy of the school's 2011 yearbook. "Forget that—let all those other sheep sign each other's little books," said the modern-day James Dean, who bucked the system by wearing a T-shirt for class photos and using an ellipsis as his per≠sonal quote. "Like I'm really going to look back one day and wonder who ran JV track this year? Please, I've got better things to spend $65 on." After yearbooks were distributed, the radical teen who plays by his own rules spent two hours perusing a friend's copy before deciding it was lame.

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