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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Teen Rebel Refusing To Purchase Yearbook

WESTERVILLE, OH—Refusing to march in lockstep with the other drones at Westerville Junior High, 16-year-old rebel Chris Iconia announced Monday he would not be purchasing a copy of the school's 2011 yearbook. "Forget that—let all those other sheep sign each other's little books," said the modern-day James Dean, who bucked the system by wearing a T-shirt for class photos and using an ellipsis as his per≠sonal quote. "Like I'm really going to look back one day and wonder who ran JV track this year? Please, I've got better things to spend $65 on." After yearbooks were distributed, the radical teen who plays by his own rules spent two hours perusing a friend's copy before deciding it was lame.

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