Teen Sex Linked To Drugs And Alcohol, Reports Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things

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Vol 38 Issue 16

Correct Theory Discarded In Favor Of More Exciting Theory

GRETNA, NE— The correct theory regarding the closing of Marvin's Diner was discarded Monday in favor of a far more exciting theory. "I bet the Omaha mafia muscled them out," said Gretna resident Lucinda Dunfee, pondering the fate of Marvin's Diner, which was shut down due to health-code violations. "They were taking business away from Steak Barrel, and those guys don't care who they get mixed up with." Dunfee noted that the restaurant's trash cans were often overturned during the night, which was likely an act of intimidation on the part of the Omaha crime syndicate.

Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends

WAKEFIELD, MA— Sarah Ammons, 14, expressed befuddlement Monday, when, during a ride to school, her father attempted to entertain her and several friends with an impromptu impersonation of late comedian and Hollywood Squares regular Paul Lynde. "The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy!" Bob Ammons, 41, bleated nasally in an imitation of the once-popular pop-culture reference. "Paul Lynde." Added Ammons: "Center square, usually sat between George Gobel and Rose Marie? Voice of Templeton the rat?" After dropping the girls off at school, Ammons stared into his car's rear-view mirror at the crow's feet developing around his eyes.

TV Guide Channel Tops Nielsens

LOS ANGELES— For the 11th straight week, the TV Guide Channel topped the Nielsen ratings, scoring blockbuster numbers in virtually all time slots and days of the week. "The frustrating experience of trying to find something decent on TV has meant ratings gold for the TV Guide Channel, Variety editor Peter Bart said. "By providing a means to search for something—anything—worth watching, this 24-hour electronic scroll has made itself America's most-watched channel."

Secretary Of Agriculture Gently Reminded About Dress Code

WASHINGTON, DC— After attending Monday's Cabinet meeting in a flannel work shirt and tattered jeans, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman was gently reminded by President Bush about the executive-branch dress code. "Say, you know, we get a lot of foreign dignitaries coming through here," Bush told Veneman. "So I think it might be a good idea if you had a little bit more of a professional appearance. Like maybe a nice navy-blue dress." Bush also encouraged Veneman to consider dress shoes instead of her usual steel-toe work boots.

Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night

VIENNA, VA— The sales associate three desks over from Chevy/Geo dealer Karl Glodek is going on and on about the chick he banged last night, sources reported Monday. "You would not believe the stamina on this chick. Hours. She was a total freak," the salesman told an unnamed friend over the phone, as well as Glodek and the couple about to sign on a 2002 Chevy Prizm sedan. "Incredible rack, too—like, out to here." Glodek then suggested the couple go outside for "one more look at that beaut of a Prizm."

The Robert Blake Murder Case

Arrested nearly a year after his wife was fatally shot, actor Robert Blake is pleading not guilty to murder charges. What do you think?

Little Chelsea Clinton Is All Grown Up And Glamorous!

Item! Remember Chelsea Clinton? Wasn't it nice to have a presidential daughter who wasn't posing for Playboy or getting drunk? Instead, she was her own sweet self, full of flowers and sunshine, bringing cheer to everyone she met. Now, she's all grown up and glamorous, thanks to an expensive European makeover. It's nice to see Chelsea with her hair straightened sitting next to the likes of Gwenneth Paltrow and Madonna at Italian fashion shows. Can acting be too far off in her future? Keeping my fingers crossed...
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Teen Sex Linked To Drugs And Alcohol, Reports Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things

BOSTON—A definitive causal relationship exists between drug and alcohol use and teen sex, the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things reported Monday.

Teens drinking.

The four-year, $3.5 million study, which examined the substance-abuse and sexual habits of more than 2,500 American teens, is regarded as one of the most "no-duh"-inducing in the center's history.

"Our exhaustive research clearly confirms that U.S. youths between the ages of 13 and 18 who drink and/or use drugs are more likely to be sexually active," said Dr. Gerald Eckersley, director of the Boston-based organization. "This may be our most significant finding since the landmark 1978 study that found a link between habitual chocolate consumption and weight gain."

"Our research shows that the inhibition-lowering properties of recreational drugs and alcohol cause those who use them to behave with less restraint, making sex among young people more likely to occur," Eckersley continued. "Gee, I bet you never would've guessed that."

The report went on to state that some teens may actually seek out drugs and alcohol for the express purpose of lowering their inhibitions and facilitating sex—a phenomenon well known to parents and teens alike for countless generations.

"Teens are not only having sex drunk or high, but they're also getting drunk or high to increase their chances of having sex," Eckersley said. "Interestingly, we found that this phenomenon also occurs among adults, as well as among every population everywhere in the world that has ever existed since the dawn of time."

To help spread word of its findings, the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things sent a TelePrompTer-ready press release to more than 400 local TV-news affiliates across the U.S. Along with the press release, the stations received stock video footage of beer displays and teens smoking and drinking at parties.

"As a teaser for newscasters presenting this story, I would recommend, 'Think you know everything about teen sex and alcohol? Think again—a new study is out, and the findings may surprise you. Coming up next,'" Eckersley said. "Although, of course, the findings won't actually surprise you."

Founded in 1959, the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things is among the world's leaders in stating the obvious. Operating under the motto Lumen Redundas, or "To Cast The Light Of Knowledge On The Already Well-Known," it has conducted non-groundbreaking research on a wide variety of self-evident phenomena.

Among the center's most notable non-discoveries are the 1974 determination that cars contribute to urban smog, the 1981 conclusion that taking the stairs burns more calories than taking the elevator, and the landmark 1997 finding that infidelity causes friction in marriages.

In spite of the center's sterling reputation, some of its findings, which seemed obvious at the time, are now considered inaccurate. A 1963 study, for example, confirmed that sugar was good for children's health because it gave their "growing bodies the pep and energy they need." Another example is the since-refuted 1972 study finding dairy foods to be "heart-healthy."

Still, Eckersley insisted that the center's research methods are "overwhelmingly reliable."

"I feel confident in the center's ability to determine the validity of virtually any obvious claim," Eckersley said. "It goes without saying, however, that even the best people in any line of study occasionally make mistakes. But even though it goes without saying, we here at the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things are saying it anyway, in a $4.2 million study that will definitively prove this Even-The-Best-People-Sometimes-Make-Mistakes theory."

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