adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Teen Sick Of Mother Barging Into Room With Clean, Folded Clothes

ELIZABETHTOWN, PA—Voicing displeasure at her blatant disregard for his privacy, area teenager Chad Fleming reported Wednesday that he is fed up with his mother always barging into his room to put away freshly washed laundry. “Jesus, Mom! Why can’t you just respect my personal space?” a visibly angered Fleming told his mother, who entered his bedroom unannounced carrying a basket full of clothes that she had spent the previous two hours separating by color, washing, and neatly folding. “Is it so hard to knock? God, you never let me be.” At press time, Fleming was livid at his mother for once again violating his privacy to remove a pile of dirty dishes.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close