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Cleaning

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship

NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t like to let dust and clutter pile up for too long, area man Justin Buntz informed reporters Wednesday that he gives his one-bedroom apartment a thorough cleaning once every relationship.

Department Of Interior To Clean Nation's Filter

40 Million Tons Of Gunk Clogging Up Country

WASHINGTON—Interior Secretary Ken Salazar announced Tuesday that a maintenance crew would begin work this week cleaning the nation's filter in order to remove the estimated 40 million tons of gunk, crud, and muck currently clogging up the country.
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Teen Sick Of Mother Barging Into Room With Clean, Folded Clothes

ELIZABETHTOWN, PA—Voicing displeasure at her blatant disregard for his privacy, area teenager Chad Fleming reported Wednesday that he is fed up with his mother always barging into his room to put away freshly washed laundry. “Jesus, Mom! Why can’t you just respect my personal space?” a visibly angered Fleming told his mother, who entered his bedroom unannounced carrying a basket full of clothes that she had spent the previous two hours separating by color, washing, and neatly folding. “Is it so hard to knock? God, you never let me be.” At press time, Fleming was livid at his mother for once again violating his privacy to remove a pile of dirty dishes.

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