adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Teen Stops Masturbating Long Enough To Save Family From Fire

PANAMA CITY, FL—Tragedy was narrowly averted Tuesday, when local 14-year-old Andy Foss suspended his usual non-stop autoerotic stimulation just long enough to drag unconscious family members from the fire consuming their home. "Apparently, Andy's parents, brother, and two sisters were rendered unconscious by smoke and fumes engulfing the house," Panama City fire chief Bill Engel said. "They would have surely perished, had this remarkable young man not heroically torn himself away from masturbation long enough to drag them to safety." Upon the fire department's arrival, Foss reportedly requested an extra blanket.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close