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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Teen Stops Masturbating Long Enough To Save Family From Fire

PANAMA CITY, FL—Tragedy was narrowly averted Tuesday, when local 14-year-old Andy Foss suspended his usual non-stop autoerotic stimulation just long enough to drag unconscious family members from the fire consuming their home. "Apparently, Andy's parents, brother, and two sisters were rendered unconscious by smoke and fumes engulfing the house," Panama City fire chief Bill Engel said. "They would have surely perished, had this remarkable young man not heroically torn himself away from masturbation long enough to drag them to safety." Upon the fire department's arrival, Foss reportedly requested an extra blanket.

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