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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son

CHEYENNE, WY—Sources confirmed Wednesday that local high school sophomore Jeffrey Levine, 16, is oblivious to the fact that he is currently engaged in an intense and continuous no-holds-barred competition with classmate Eric Nelson, the son of his parents’ friends.

Unbeknownst to Levine, he has reportedly been embroiled in the cutthroat rivalry since 2005, when his parents met Nelson’s parents at a PTA meeting, and the two families became friendly. According to sources, the relentless struggle has grown slowly over the years, gradually encompassing all areas of the unwitting Levine’s life—his school work, his extra-curricular activities, and even his social life.

“My parents just had dinner with Eric’s parents the other day and seemed to have a pretty good time,” said Levine, utterly unaware that his parents spent the entire meal rigorously gauging every one of the 16-year-old Nelson’s accomplishments from the past year against those of their own son. “When they got home they talked a lot about Eric. Apparently he’s been doing well in school lately.”

“Dad says he’s a good soccer player, too,” Levine added.

Despite noticing that his parents “mention Eric’s name around the house a lot,” Levine is said to have never once realized that virtually every single thing he does is immediately measured against what Nelson has done. Nor has Levine recognized how even the way he looks and dresses is ruthlessly compared—by his own mother and father—to the way Nelson looks and dresses.

Reports also indicate Levine doesn’t realize he is, at press time, badly losing the game of brutal one-upmanship he has no idea he’s playing.

“I think my parents want Eric and I to start hanging out, because when Eric joined the debate team, they sort of talked me into joining too,” said Levine, who remains totally ignorant of his parents’ merciless comparison of the two teens’ debate performances and their respective number of trophies—a scrutiny matched only by their critiques of the boys’ standardized-test scores and girlfriends. “Mom even seemed a little disappointed when I quit, as if she were worried Eric and I wouldn’t stay friends anymore.”

“Anyway, I think I’m better off working on the newspaper instead,” added Levine, an activity his parents are completely unable to form an opinion on because Nelson doesn’t participate in it.

Levine is expected to remain unknowingly locked in the intense matchup with Nelson through the remainder of high school, with the contest likely decided by a ruthless judgment of their college acceptances. Experts agree, however, that the rivalry is likely to continue long after, with Levine’s career, house, wife, and children all entering the fray without him ever knowing it.

Despite Levine’s obliviousness, Eric Nelson told reporters he is entirely aware of the competition between the two and enjoys the fact that he is “winning big-time.”

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