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VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son

CHEYENNE, WY—Sources confirmed Wednesday that local high school sophomore Jeffrey Levine, 16, is oblivious to the fact that he is currently engaged in an intense and continuous no-holds-barred competition with classmate Eric Nelson, the son of his parents’ friends.

Unbeknownst to Levine, he has reportedly been embroiled in the cutthroat rivalry since 2005, when his parents met Nelson’s parents at a PTA meeting, and the two families became friendly. According to sources, the relentless struggle has grown slowly over the years, gradually encompassing all areas of the unwitting Levine’s life—his school work, his extra-curricular activities, and even his social life.

“My parents just had dinner with Eric’s parents the other day and seemed to have a pretty good time,” said Levine, utterly unaware that his parents spent the entire meal rigorously gauging every one of the 16-year-old Nelson’s accomplishments from the past year against those of their own son. “When they got home they talked a lot about Eric. Apparently he’s been doing well in school lately.”

“Dad says he’s a good soccer player, too,” Levine added.

Despite noticing that his parents “mention Eric’s name around the house a lot,” Levine is said to have never once realized that virtually every single thing he does is immediately measured against what Nelson has done. Nor has Levine recognized how even the way he looks and dresses is ruthlessly compared—by his own mother and father—to the way Nelson looks and dresses.

Reports also indicate Levine doesn’t realize he is, at press time, badly losing the game of brutal one-upmanship he has no idea he’s playing.

“I think my parents want Eric and I to start hanging out, because when Eric joined the debate team, they sort of talked me into joining too,” said Levine, who remains totally ignorant of his parents’ merciless comparison of the two teens’ debate performances and their respective number of trophies—a scrutiny matched only by their critiques of the boys’ standardized-test scores and girlfriends. “Mom even seemed a little disappointed when I quit, as if she were worried Eric and I wouldn’t stay friends anymore.”

“Anyway, I think I’m better off working on the newspaper instead,” added Levine, an activity his parents are completely unable to form an opinion on because Nelson doesn’t participate in it.

Levine is expected to remain unknowingly locked in the intense matchup with Nelson through the remainder of high school, with the contest likely decided by a ruthless judgment of their college acceptances. Experts agree, however, that the rivalry is likely to continue long after, with Levine’s career, house, wife, and children all entering the fray without him ever knowing it.

Despite Levine’s obliviousness, Eric Nelson told reporters he is entirely aware of the competition between the two and enjoys the fact that he is “winning big-time.”

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