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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son

CHEYENNE, WY—Sources confirmed Wednesday that local high school sophomore Jeffrey Levine, 16, is oblivious to the fact that he is currently engaged in an intense and continuous no-holds-barred competition with classmate Eric Nelson, the son of his parents’ friends.

Unbeknownst to Levine, he has reportedly been embroiled in the cutthroat rivalry since 2005, when his parents met Nelson’s parents at a PTA meeting, and the two families became friendly. According to sources, the relentless struggle has grown slowly over the years, gradually encompassing all areas of the unwitting Levine’s life—his school work, his extra-curricular activities, and even his social life.

“My parents just had dinner with Eric’s parents the other day and seemed to have a pretty good time,” said Levine, utterly unaware that his parents spent the entire meal rigorously gauging every one of the 16-year-old Nelson’s accomplishments from the past year against those of their own son. “When they got home they talked a lot about Eric. Apparently he’s been doing well in school lately.”

“Dad says he’s a good soccer player, too,” Levine added.

Despite noticing that his parents “mention Eric’s name around the house a lot,” Levine is said to have never once realized that virtually every single thing he does is immediately measured against what Nelson has done. Nor has Levine recognized how even the way he looks and dresses is ruthlessly compared—by his own mother and father—to the way Nelson looks and dresses.

Reports also indicate Levine doesn’t realize he is, at press time, badly losing the game of brutal one-upmanship he has no idea he’s playing.

“I think my parents want Eric and I to start hanging out, because when Eric joined the debate team, they sort of talked me into joining too,” said Levine, who remains totally ignorant of his parents’ merciless comparison of the two teens’ debate performances and their respective number of trophies—a scrutiny matched only by their critiques of the boys’ standardized-test scores and girlfriends. “Mom even seemed a little disappointed when I quit, as if she were worried Eric and I wouldn’t stay friends anymore.”

“Anyway, I think I’m better off working on the newspaper instead,” added Levine, an activity his parents are completely unable to form an opinion on because Nelson doesn’t participate in it.

Levine is expected to remain unknowingly locked in the intense matchup with Nelson through the remainder of high school, with the contest likely decided by a ruthless judgment of their college acceptances. Experts agree, however, that the rivalry is likely to continue long after, with Levine’s career, house, wife, and children all entering the fray without him ever knowing it.

Despite Levine’s obliviousness, Eric Nelson told reporters he is entirely aware of the competition between the two and enjoys the fact that he is “winning big-time.”

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