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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son

CHEYENNE, WY—Sources confirmed Wednesday that local high school sophomore Jeffrey Levine, 16, is oblivious to the fact that he is currently engaged in an intense and continuous no-holds-barred competition with classmate Eric Nelson, the son of his parents’ friends.

Unbeknownst to Levine, he has reportedly been embroiled in the cutthroat rivalry since 2005, when his parents met Nelson’s parents at a PTA meeting, and the two families became friendly. According to sources, the relentless struggle has grown slowly over the years, gradually encompassing all areas of the unwitting Levine’s life—his school work, his extra-curricular activities, and even his social life.

“My parents just had dinner with Eric’s parents the other day and seemed to have a pretty good time,” said Levine, utterly unaware that his parents spent the entire meal rigorously gauging every one of the 16-year-old Nelson’s accomplishments from the past year against those of their own son. “When they got home they talked a lot about Eric. Apparently he’s been doing well in school lately.”

“Dad says he’s a good soccer player, too,” Levine added.

Despite noticing that his parents “mention Eric’s name around the house a lot,” Levine is said to have never once realized that virtually every single thing he does is immediately measured against what Nelson has done. Nor has Levine recognized how even the way he looks and dresses is ruthlessly compared—by his own mother and father—to the way Nelson looks and dresses.

Reports also indicate Levine doesn’t realize he is, at press time, badly losing the game of brutal one-upmanship he has no idea he’s playing.

“I think my parents want Eric and I to start hanging out, because when Eric joined the debate team, they sort of talked me into joining too,” said Levine, who remains totally ignorant of his parents’ merciless comparison of the two teens’ debate performances and their respective number of trophies—a scrutiny matched only by their critiques of the boys’ standardized-test scores and girlfriends. “Mom even seemed a little disappointed when I quit, as if she were worried Eric and I wouldn’t stay friends anymore.”

“Anyway, I think I’m better off working on the newspaper instead,” added Levine, an activity his parents are completely unable to form an opinion on because Nelson doesn’t participate in it.

Levine is expected to remain unknowingly locked in the intense matchup with Nelson through the remainder of high school, with the contest likely decided by a ruthless judgment of their college acceptances. Experts agree, however, that the rivalry is likely to continue long after, with Levine’s career, house, wife, and children all entering the fray without him ever knowing it.

Despite Levine’s obliviousness, Eric Nelson told reporters he is entirely aware of the competition between the two and enjoys the fact that he is “winning big-time.”

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