adBlockCheck

Teen Wastes Prime Childbearing Years Going To High School

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Teen Wastes Prime Childbearing Years Going To High School

Stevens, who despite having a biological imperative to procreate, refuses to capitalize on her optimal window for doing so by attending classes.
Stevens, who despite having a biological imperative to procreate, refuses to capitalize on her optimal window for doing so by attending classes.

REDDING, CA—Though now in the stage of her life when her body is at its most fertile, local teenager Katie Stevens is evidently choosing to squander her peak childbearing years by devoting herself to obtaining a high school education, sources confirmed Tuesday.

According to reports, the 18-year-old Stevens has done nothing in the past few years but fritter away her once-in-a-lifetime period of optimum reproductive capability, idly spending her time in classrooms where she listens to hours upon hours of lectures about mathematics, history, English, and science.

“I’m really enjoying my senior year,” said Stevens, whose window for producing as many healthy human offspring as possible is currently wide open, but won’t be forever. “It’s almost over now, which is pretty exciting.”

“Plus, I just got my own car, so I don’t need to get rides in the morning from Melissa anymore,” she added, as if oblivious to the fact that these years are the ideal time for her to successfully procreate and that she’s throwing them all away.

According to sources, while Stevens somehow finds time to attend school from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. each day, the highly fecund young female seems not to care one bit about her ovaries regularly releasing mature eggs that—if she would simply put forth the effort of making sure someone fertilized them—would allow her to fulfill her biological imperative of birthing a child.

“I can’t believe I’m actually going to be finished with high school in a few months,” Stevens said of the additional time she will waste on academic ambitions while the capacity of her uterus to bring a human embryo to full gestation is at its apex. “It’s really weird.”

Sources confirmed that from the moment she first reached childbearing age, Stevens has almost completely ignored her obligation to mate and propagate her species, and has chosen instead to engage in activities such as attending Mr. Zappicchi’s honors geometry class and spending hundreds of hours on various homework assignments.

From January to March of this year, Stevens is said to have ovulated on three occasions, but most of the days when she was fertile were reportedly spent in rehearsal for her school’s production of Hello, Dolly! and as a result she surrendered three perfect opportunities to conceive a child.

Reports also indicated that Stevens has spent much of the past two months intensely preparing for Advanced Placement exams in calculus and U.S. history rather than focusing her efforts on producing as many offspring as possible.

“I love English literature—I’m thinking about majoring in it when I go to college next year,” said Stevens, who sources speculated will let approximately 48 perfectly healthy ova go to total waste while obtaining an undergraduate degree. “I’d love to be a professor someday, or maybe even an author. But I have plenty of time to figure that out.”

“I just can’t wait until graduation,” Stevens added as her uterus expelled yet another mature but unfertilized egg, which swiftly died. “I’m so excited!”

Sources also confirmed that Stevens has had sexual intercourse with her boyfriend nine times, and yet reportedly takes oral contraception every day in a willful attempt to obstruct pregnancy, even as the strictly limited number of menstrual cycles she has left in her life continues to diminish.

On other nights, reports confirmed, the 18-year-old completely and utterly disregards her role as a vehicle for human reproduction by spending her time at varsity lacrosse practice.

“Katie’s body has reached full maturity, and she should start having children immediately,” said Dr. Jaclyn Strudwick, a gynecologist at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. “Her hips and pelvis have properly widened, she has a healthy ovulation cycle, and her breasts are fully developed. Frankly, the longer she waits, the fewer babies she can have before her time is up.”

At press time, sources happily confirmed that Allison Evans, a 16-year-old schoolmate of Stevens, had already begun to dutifully fulfill her sole biological purpose, giving birth to a healthy baby boy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close