adBlockCheck

Teen Wastes Prime Childbearing Years Going To High School

Top Headlines

Local

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Teen Wastes Prime Childbearing Years Going To High School

Stevens, who despite having a biological imperative to procreate, refuses to capitalize on her optimal window for doing so by attending classes.
Stevens, who despite having a biological imperative to procreate, refuses to capitalize on her optimal window for doing so by attending classes.

REDDING, CA—Though now in the stage of her life when her body is at its most fertile, local teenager Katie Stevens is evidently choosing to squander her peak childbearing years by devoting herself to obtaining a high school education, sources confirmed Tuesday.

According to reports, the 18-year-old Stevens has done nothing in the past few years but fritter away her once-in-a-lifetime period of optimum reproductive capability, idly spending her time in classrooms where she listens to hours upon hours of lectures about mathematics, history, English, and science.

“I’m really enjoying my senior year,” said Stevens, whose window for producing as many healthy human offspring as possible is currently wide open, but won’t be forever. “It’s almost over now, which is pretty exciting.”

“Plus, I just got my own car, so I don’t need to get rides in the morning from Melissa anymore,” she added, as if oblivious to the fact that these years are the ideal time for her to successfully procreate and that she’s throwing them all away.

According to sources, while Stevens somehow finds time to attend school from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. each day, the highly fecund young female seems not to care one bit about her ovaries regularly releasing mature eggs that—if she would simply put forth the effort of making sure someone fertilized them—would allow her to fulfill her biological imperative of birthing a child.

“I can’t believe I’m actually going to be finished with high school in a few months,” Stevens said of the additional time she will waste on academic ambitions while the capacity of her uterus to bring a human embryo to full gestation is at its apex. “It’s really weird.”

Sources confirmed that from the moment she first reached childbearing age, Stevens has almost completely ignored her obligation to mate and propagate her species, and has chosen instead to engage in activities such as attending Mr. Zappicchi’s honors geometry class and spending hundreds of hours on various homework assignments.

From January to March of this year, Stevens is said to have ovulated on three occasions, but most of the days when she was fertile were reportedly spent in rehearsal for her school’s production of Hello, Dolly! and as a result she surrendered three perfect opportunities to conceive a child.

Reports also indicated that Stevens has spent much of the past two months intensely preparing for Advanced Placement exams in calculus and U.S. history rather than focusing her efforts on producing as many offspring as possible.

“I love English literature—I’m thinking about majoring in it when I go to college next year,” said Stevens, who sources speculated will let approximately 48 perfectly healthy ova go to total waste while obtaining an undergraduate degree. “I’d love to be a professor someday, or maybe even an author. But I have plenty of time to figure that out.”

“I just can’t wait until graduation,” Stevens added as her uterus expelled yet another mature but unfertilized egg, which swiftly died. “I’m so excited!”

Sources also confirmed that Stevens has had sexual intercourse with her boyfriend nine times, and yet reportedly takes oral contraception every day in a willful attempt to obstruct pregnancy, even as the strictly limited number of menstrual cycles she has left in her life continues to diminish.

On other nights, reports confirmed, the 18-year-old completely and utterly disregards her role as a vehicle for human reproduction by spending her time at varsity lacrosse practice.

“Katie’s body has reached full maturity, and she should start having children immediately,” said Dr. Jaclyn Strudwick, a gynecologist at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. “Her hips and pelvis have properly widened, she has a healthy ovulation cycle, and her breasts are fully developed. Frankly, the longer she waits, the fewer babies she can have before her time is up.”

At press time, sources happily confirmed that Allison Evans, a 16-year-old schoolmate of Stevens, had already begun to dutifully fulfill her sole biological purpose, giving birth to a healthy baby boy.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close