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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Teen Wastes Prime Childbearing Years Going To High School

Stevens, who despite having a biological imperative to procreate, refuses to capitalize on her optimal window for doing so by attending classes.
Stevens, who despite having a biological imperative to procreate, refuses to capitalize on her optimal window for doing so by attending classes.

REDDING, CA—Though now in the stage of her life when her body is at its most fertile, local teenager Katie Stevens is evidently choosing to squander her peak childbearing years by devoting herself to obtaining a high school education, sources confirmed Tuesday.

According to reports, the 18-year-old Stevens has done nothing in the past few years but fritter away her once-in-a-lifetime period of optimum reproductive capability, idly spending her time in classrooms where she listens to hours upon hours of lectures about mathematics, history, English, and science.

“I’m really enjoying my senior year,” said Stevens, whose window for producing as many healthy human offspring as possible is currently wide open, but won’t be forever. “It’s almost over now, which is pretty exciting.”

“Plus, I just got my own car, so I don’t need to get rides in the morning from Melissa anymore,” she added, as if oblivious to the fact that these years are the ideal time for her to successfully procreate and that she’s throwing them all away.

According to sources, while Stevens somehow finds time to attend school from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. each day, the highly fecund young female seems not to care one bit about her ovaries regularly releasing mature eggs that—if she would simply put forth the effort of making sure someone fertilized them—would allow her to fulfill her biological imperative of birthing a child.

“I can’t believe I’m actually going to be finished with high school in a few months,” Stevens said of the additional time she will waste on academic ambitions while the capacity of her uterus to bring a human embryo to full gestation is at its apex. “It’s really weird.”

Sources confirmed that from the moment she first reached childbearing age, Stevens has almost completely ignored her obligation to mate and propagate her species, and has chosen instead to engage in activities such as attending Mr. Zappicchi’s honors geometry class and spending hundreds of hours on various homework assignments.

From January to March of this year, Stevens is said to have ovulated on three occasions, but most of the days when she was fertile were reportedly spent in rehearsal for her school’s production of Hello, Dolly! and as a result she surrendered three perfect opportunities to conceive a child.

Reports also indicated that Stevens has spent much of the past two months intensely preparing for Advanced Placement exams in calculus and U.S. history rather than focusing her efforts on producing as many offspring as possible.

“I love English literature—I’m thinking about majoring in it when I go to college next year,” said Stevens, who sources speculated will let approximately 48 perfectly healthy ova go to total waste while obtaining an undergraduate degree. “I’d love to be a professor someday, or maybe even an author. But I have plenty of time to figure that out.”

“I just can’t wait until graduation,” Stevens added as her uterus expelled yet another mature but unfertilized egg, which swiftly died. “I’m so excited!”

Sources also confirmed that Stevens has had sexual intercourse with her boyfriend nine times, and yet reportedly takes oral contraception every day in a willful attempt to obstruct pregnancy, even as the strictly limited number of menstrual cycles she has left in her life continues to diminish.

On other nights, reports confirmed, the 18-year-old completely and utterly disregards her role as a vehicle for human reproduction by spending her time at varsity lacrosse practice.

“Katie’s body has reached full maturity, and she should start having children immediately,” said Dr. Jaclyn Strudwick, a gynecologist at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. “Her hips and pelvis have properly widened, she has a healthy ovulation cycle, and her breasts are fully developed. Frankly, the longer she waits, the fewer babies she can have before her time is up.”

At press time, sources happily confirmed that Allison Evans, a 16-year-old schoolmate of Stevens, had already begun to dutifully fulfill her sole biological purpose, giving birth to a healthy baby boy.

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