adBlockCheck

Teen Who Just Discovered Led Zeppelin Starting To Piss Off Friends

Top Headlines

Local

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Teen Who Just Discovered Led Zeppelin Starting To Piss Off Friends

GURNEE, IL—Mark Campa, 16, who has listened to and talked about Led Zeppelin almost exclusively since discovering the '70s rock group over the summer, is "really starting to piss off" his friends, sources reported Monday.

The Zeppelin-loving Campa.

"I've got nothing against Zep—they're awesome," said James Savich, 16, a longtime friend of Campa's. "But Mark acts like he's the first person ever to really get into them when he's, like, the 59 billionth."

Campa was first exposed to the band in June when older brother Bryan returned from college and started playing Led Zeppelin II while lifting weights in the garage. After one listen, Campa was reportedly hooked, buying his own copy and playing it incessantly for weeks.

Campa's Led Zeppelin fixation soon manifested itself in myriad ways, with the teen playing only Led Zeppelin in his car, drawing the Led Zeppelin IV runes on his arm, and spending $73 at the Kane County Fair ring toss in an effort to win a Swan Song mirror.

According to friends, Campa's newfound love of the band has caused him to behave in a "dicklick" fashion.

"Last Saturday night, a bunch of us were driving around cranking the new Slipknot when Mark popped the tape out and started messing with the radio," said Rick Eglund, 17. "I was like, 'Dude, what's your problem?' He said it was time for WLUP's 'Get The Led Out' and that he never missed it. I told him he was gonna miss it that night. Then, he tried to stop me from putting the tape back into my own stereo. I had to pull over and force him to switch seats with Dan [Alberman]."

"The stupid thing is, at the time, we were driving Mark home," Eglund continued. "He has all their CDs, so he could've listened to Zep all night if he'd just waited five minutes. I guess he had to prove what a big fan he is."

In addition to naming his '91 Prelude the "Honda Of The Holy" and renaming his cat of four years "Bonzo" as an homage to late Led Zeppelin drummer John "Bonzo" Bonham, Campa has irritated friends with his constant barrage of Led Zeppelin trivia.

"In the past week alone, I've learned that Keith Moon came up with the band's name, Jimmy Page is in the movie Blowup, and 'All Of My Love' is about Robert Plant's son Karac, who died from a viral infection," Savich said. "And if I hear Mark tell us about the 'mudshark incident' one more time, I'm gonna kill him. Everybody knows Hammer Of The Gods is bullshit, anyway."

Campa has also developed a habit of pointing out Led Zeppelin connections to seemingly non-Zeppelin-related items.

"I downloaded the Lord Of The Rings trailer and, next thing you know, Mark goes into this whole thing about how 'The Battle Of Evermore' references the book Lord Of The Rings," Alberman said. "I had to re-start the trailer after he was done because no one got to see it. It's getting to the point where you're almost afraid to go to a movie with Mark because John Paul Jones' second cousin might be an extra in it."

Added Eglund: "It could be worse, I guess. He could've gotten into the Grateful Dead. Or Floyd. Just imagine if he walked around all day quoting Dark Side Of The Moon. Christ."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close