adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Teen With Cancer Vows It Won't Keep Her From Being Mean, Moody Little Shit

Fullerton says she will continue to fight to exclude the ugly kids from her lunch table.
Fullerton says she will continue to fight to exclude the ugly kids from her lunch table.

RACINE, WI—Despite having been diagnosed four months ago with an often fatal form of adolescent leukemia, 15-year-old Van Buren High School sophomore Rachel Fullerton told reporters Tuesday that she refuses to let the disease prevent her from being a nasty, spiteful little shit.

"I just want people to treat me like any other normal, terribly cruel teenage girl," Fullerton said while flanked by her mother and father, both of whom the courageous young woman had moments earlier told she hated. "If it's God's plan that I only have a short time left on this earth, then I want to spend it mercilessly ripping on that fat skank [classmate] Diane [Ohlweiler], not lying around feeling sorry for myself."

"In some ways, this whole ordeal has been a blessing," Fullerton continued. "It's really forced me to put my priorities in order and realize what's truly important: excluding kids who aren't in my closest circle of friends and generally acting like a spoiled, entitled brat."

Though the chemotherapy and radiation treatments Fullerton is undergoing often make her weak and nauseous, she said she has strived to maintain her typical routine of rolling her eyes and sighing loudly anytime an adult addresses her, and psychologically terrorizing less popular classmates.

"To be honest, there are some days when I feel so sick that the last thing I want to do is steal money from my mom's purse and then call her a stupid bitch when she confronts me about it," Fullerton said. "But every time I start to get down about my situation, I just remember that I'm really lucky to still be alive to sulk around the house and then storm off to my room in a tantrum and not come out for hours."

Fullerton's resoluteness in remaining an intolerable little asshole in the face of her life-threatening illness has not gone unnoticed by her classmates. According to best friend Lisa Duboise, Fullerton has in some ways become even more capricious and sadistic.

"Rachel is amazing—she's found such inspirational ways to turn her disease into a source of strength," said Duboise, still unaware at press time that Fullerton had falsely told mutual friends that Duboise had given junior Jason Weller and his cousin blow jobs in a Jeep Wrangler parked behind the local Best Buy where Weller works part-time. "Like when she walked up to Ben Finestra in the cafeteria last week and said really loudly that even though all of her hair was falling out, she was still too good to be seen anywhere near that fucking retard."

"She's really taught me to live every day like it might be my last opportunity to make pig noises when that fat skank [classmate] Diane [Ohlweiler] walks by," Duboise added.

Fullerton's determination to remain an unpredictable nightmare has even garnered national attention. In a ceremony at her high school recently, a representative from the White House presented Fullerton with the Emily Lewiston Presidential Award for Bravery, which is named in memory of a heroic 16-year-old girl who, in 1992, told an attending nurse she had a huge ass and butt-ugly earrings just before succumbing to Hodgkin's lymphoma.

Still, even with the support of her friends, family, and teachers, Fullerton said she knows she has a tough road ahead in remaining a horrible little bastard through the worst of her sickness.

"The next few months are going to be hard, but I have faith that I'm going to get through this and go to a good college so I don't end up some loser fucking reporter with stupid fucking glasses," Fullerton said.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close