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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Teen Worried About Friend Who Tried Pot

ARVADA, CO— Steve Vandervelt, 16, an Arvada High School honors student, expressed grave concern Tuesday for friend Todd Wolk, who experimented with marijuana at a party the previous weekend. "They say pot's a 'gateway drug,'" Vandervelt told Wolk. "And even if it doesn't lead to cocaine and more serious stuff, doing pot can still really mess up your brain." Vandervelt offered to speak to Mrs. Logan, the school's health-ed teacher, on Wolk's behalf to get more information about the dangers of marijuana use.

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