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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Teenage Katrina Survivor Wins Yet Another Essay Contest

WASHINGTON—At an awards ceremony held yesterday for the 2008 Profiles in Courage Essay Contest, 17-year-old Hurricane Katrina survivor Audrey Temples collected yet another first-place trophy, her sixth in as many months. "It was so great to fly out to D.C. again and accept my award," said the displaced New Orleans resident, whose recent essays "Reflections In The Flood," "Flooded With Memories," and "Katrina Song" have all won her first-prize honors. "Hopefully I can come back soon. Maybe next week, if things work out." Temples is expected to return tomorrow to her family's FEMA-issued trailer, where her latest trophy will once again be pawned in order to help pay the bills.

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