adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Teenage Rebels Seize Control Of Food Court's Corner Table

HOLLAND, MI—According to mall personnel, a roving gang of 15-year-old rebels captured a corner table at the Woodland Mall food court Sunday in a forceful act of nonconformity that displaced families and caused concern among business owners. Some believe the intimidating teenagers may belong to the same band of dissidents that has been gaining power in the shopping center's upper level since last Thursday's devastating verbal attack on a Lane Bryant beachwear display. Although the rebels have voiced opposition to all forms of authority and vowed to defend their position at any cost, an incoming strike by an extreme faction of 12th-grade jocks eventually forced them to retreat into a nearby Lids.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close