After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Teen's Eulogy Mostly Nickelback Lyrics

FORT WAYNE, IN—A eulogy delivered at St. John's Church yesterday by Joshua Gable, 16, for his late friend Darren Hall, 16, was composed almost entirely of lyrics by the Canadian rock band Nickelback, funeral attendees reported.

"When I got the news that Darren died in the crash, I was, like, so angry, you know?" Gable said. "How could you take his life away? / What made you think you had the right? / And when I heard you let him die / And made the world all wonder why / I sat at home and on my own / I cried alone."

Hall then proceeded to recite more lyrics from additional Nickelback songs, including "Fly" and "Savin' Me," which reportedly left fellow classmates in tears, but prompted funeral attendees aged 25 and over to say the eulogy felt repetitive and clichéd, and to wonder aloud why it was so popular.

After Birth

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