Teens Get Drunk On Award-Winning Microbrew

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Internet

Teens Get Drunk On Award-Winning Microbrew

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—The subtle interplay of the three varietal hops in MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout went tragically unappreciated Saturday when a group of high-school students got shitfaced on a case of the award-winning microbrew.

A case of MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout, a three-time winner at the Great American Beer Festival, was wasted on these local teens.

According to reports, Jared Rosenthal, Andrew Gobbola and Tracey Sheehan, 17-year-old seniors at East Brunswick High, obtained the beer from Rosenthal's refrigerator while his parents—bona-fide beer-lovers capable of fully relishing the subtle, hand-crafted taste of a MacTadcaster's—were away for the weekend.

Though none of the teens were able to comment on the Nut Brown Stout's chocolatey aroma or its surprisingly smoky almond finish, Rosenthal did say that it had "fucked him up majorly" and that he was "seriously payin' the price."

Added Gobbola: "Dude, I was ripped to the tits."

Despite consuming enormous quantities of the beer, the teens failed to detect the all-wheat malt that MacTadcaster's has developed over the years to give its beer "bottom." Further, none of them commented on the beer's uniquely dry, smoky hopping or the pleasant coffee highlights so often discussed among MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout cognoscenti.

Only the rich, robust texture of the beer drew any comment from the teens, with Sheehan overheard telling Rosenthal, "That beer is some thick shit."

MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout has won the Gold Medal for Best Small Batch Stout for three consecutive years at the Great American Beer Festival. John Winbourne, Chief Brewmaster at MacTadcaster's, said he was "shocked and disappointed" that the high-quality beer had wound up in the hands of unsophisticated, high school-age drinkers.

"Nobody the age of 17 can reasonably be expected to have the connoisseurship to detect even a fraction of the subtle complexities of our carefully aged stout," Winbourne said. "If they had guzzled our Honey Hefeweizen, a much simpler beer known for its plain, rumpled friendliness, the horror may have been muted somewhat."

"It's a tragedy, a real tragedy," said Steve Brauner, editor of Beer Aficionado magazine. "We're not talking about Bud Ice or Coors Light, or some mass-produced swill of a lager intended for crass high-school kids to get a cheap buzz off of. This is a complex, mature stout, whose creamy head alone is enough to overwhelm even the most experienced beer drinker."

"I can only hope those kids didn't drink it chilled," Brauner added. "Stouts are best enjoyed at room temperature."

According to sources within East Brunswick High School, the trio has previously been seen at night near the school's football field, drinking inexpensive domestic beers. "While such experimentation with alcohol is strongly discouraged," school principal Eileen Fleischer said, "at least these previous incidents only involved the three students getting wasted, as opposed to this senseless wasting of hand-crafted, award-winning beer."

Helmut Schildkraut is the experienced Bavarian farmer who harvested the hops in the MacTadcaster's twelve-pack at the peak of their mellow ripeness, then aged them in a oaken sherry cask for three months to maximally enhance their dignified flavor. Contacted at his home in the tiny German village of Gütbourg, he said: "Zis makes me very sad. Nein, der MacTadcaster's ist not fur der kinder. Ist fur der discriminating bier drinker only."

Next Story