adBlockCheck

Teens Get Drunk On Award-Winning Microbrew

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Teens Get Drunk On Award-Winning Microbrew

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—The subtle interplay of the three varietal hops in MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout went tragically unappreciated Saturday when a group of high-school students got shitfaced on a case of the award-winning microbrew.

A case of MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout, a three-time winner at the Great American Beer Festival, was wasted on these local teens.

According to reports, Jared Rosenthal, Andrew Gobbola and Tracey Sheehan, 17-year-old seniors at East Brunswick High, obtained the beer from Rosenthal's refrigerator while his parents—bona-fide beer-lovers capable of fully relishing the subtle, hand-crafted taste of a MacTadcaster's—were away for the weekend.

Though none of the teens were able to comment on the Nut Brown Stout's chocolatey aroma or its surprisingly smoky almond finish, Rosenthal did say that it had "fucked him up majorly" and that he was "seriously payin' the price."

Added Gobbola: "Dude, I was ripped to the tits."

Despite consuming enormous quantities of the beer, the teens failed to detect the all-wheat malt that MacTadcaster's has developed over the years to give its beer "bottom." Further, none of them commented on the beer's uniquely dry, smoky hopping or the pleasant coffee highlights so often discussed among MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout cognoscenti.

Only the rich, robust texture of the beer drew any comment from the teens, with Sheehan overheard telling Rosenthal, "That beer is some thick shit."

MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout has won the Gold Medal for Best Small Batch Stout for three consecutive years at the Great American Beer Festival. John Winbourne, Chief Brewmaster at MacTadcaster's, said he was "shocked and disappointed" that the high-quality beer had wound up in the hands of unsophisticated, high school-age drinkers.

"Nobody the age of 17 can reasonably be expected to have the connoisseurship to detect even a fraction of the subtle complexities of our carefully aged stout," Winbourne said. "If they had guzzled our Honey Hefeweizen, a much simpler beer known for its plain, rumpled friendliness, the horror may have been muted somewhat."

"It's a tragedy, a real tragedy," said Steve Brauner, editor of Beer Aficionado magazine. "We're not talking about Bud Ice or Coors Light, or some mass-produced swill of a lager intended for crass high-school kids to get a cheap buzz off of. This is a complex, mature stout, whose creamy head alone is enough to overwhelm even the most experienced beer drinker."

"I can only hope those kids didn't drink it chilled," Brauner added. "Stouts are best enjoyed at room temperature."

According to sources within East Brunswick High School, the trio has previously been seen at night near the school's football field, drinking inexpensive domestic beers. "While such experimentation with alcohol is strongly discouraged," school principal Eileen Fleischer said, "at least these previous incidents only involved the three students getting wasted, as opposed to this senseless wasting of hand-crafted, award-winning beer."

Helmut Schildkraut is the experienced Bavarian farmer who harvested the hops in the MacTadcaster's twelve-pack at the peak of their mellow ripeness, then aged them in a oaken sherry cask for three months to maximally enhance their dignified flavor. Contacted at his home in the tiny German village of Gütbourg, he said: "Zis makes me very sad. Nein, der MacTadcaster's ist not fur der kinder. Ist fur der discriminating bier drinker only."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close