Supreme Court

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.
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Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat. “I heard that’s where old man Scalia used to sit until he keeled over dead!” said local resident Randy Wilcox, 14, after grabbing several stones off the ground and whipping them at the derelict chair, whose rotting wood had begun to warp and whose leather surfaces had cracked and grown discolored with time. “My older brother told me that no one can sit there ever again because it’s cursed. He said everyone who’s tried has disappeared without a trace. I dare one of you to go up there and touch it. Come on, don’t be a wuss!” According to sources, the youngsters frantically hopped onto their bikes and pedaled away in terror when Clarence Thomas ran out with a gavel and told them to beat it or he’d call the cops.

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