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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Telegeneticists Breed More Mediagenic Humans

BURBANK, CA—A team of telegeneticists at the University of California-Burbank announced Monday that they have successfully bred a more mediagenic strain of human being.

An example of the mediagenic humans that telegeneticists are trying to breed to replace conventional humans (inset).

"Ever since early Man sat and told stories of living, loving and learning in the Neolithic Age while huddled together on a campfire-facing couch, we as a species have wanted to look good in a mass-media context," said UC-Burbank telegeneticist Dr. Brian Clausewitz. "Humanity is now closer than ever to realizing that oldest and fondest of dreams."

Clausewitz's team of telegeneticists has been working to develop a more camera-friendly human since 1991, using the latest in media-analysis technology in its efforts to determine exactly what qualities make up a truly perfect telegenetic specimen.

"By carefully breaking down the telegenetic makeup of TV's top personalities—by which we mean the most attractive people—we believe we can establish a template for the perfect human," said Dr. James Richelieu, a telegeneticist who joined the UC-Burbank team in 1996 after a five-year stint with the federally sponsored Human Videonome Project. "This new, nearly perfect being, homo entertainmentis, is the best hope for humanity in a media-saturated future."

UC-Burbank telegeneticists spent countless hours culling data from television programs ranging from sitcoms to local newscasts. The data, consisting of information on attractive television personalities' body confidence, camera-awareness and winning smiles, was mapped onto a blueprint for the ultimate human.

Then, using a special videochromatograph, the scientists analyzed the structural make-up of some the most telegenetically advanced humans alive, including Jennifer Aniston, Craig Kilborn, George Clooney, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Matt Lauer, Jenna Elfman and James Van Der Beek. From this data, the scientists were able to create a human exhibiting all the characteristics of these stars right down to the last telegene.

Though Richelieu admitted that the task of telegenetically manipulating the entire U.S. populace is formidable, it is by no means impossible. The nation, he said, can expect to see a noticeable mediagenic drift by as early as 2049.

"Americans have already taken the crucial first step of choosing their life partners on the basis of looks, favoring mates whose appearances most closely resemble those of the people they see on TV," Richelieu said. "This trend shows no sign of relenting anytime soon. And that's good news for a future generation of happy, good-looking, TV-friendly Americans."

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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