Telemarketing Industry Celebrates First Sale

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Vol 35 Issue 18

Clinton Hurls Feces At Detractors

WASHINGTON, DC—Angered by criticism of his military strategy in Kosovo, President Clinton flung clods of his own excrement at White House reporters Monday. "I am the alpha male!" Clinton shouted to Sam Donaldson of ABC News. "None shall usurp my dominance of the social hierarchy!" The outburst was the first of its kind since Clinton's March 19 urination on Chinese Premier Zhu Rongji at a Beijing arms summit.

Roof Of Mouth In Serious Condition Following Cap'n Crunch Consumption

SPRINGFIELD, MA—The roof of area resident Meredith Kjell's mouth is in serious condition Tuesday following her consumption of three bowls of Cap'n Crunch cereal. "We believe most of the roof can be salvaged," Dr. David Kim told reporters. "But grafts may be necessary to replace many of the ribbons of flesh gouged from Miss Kjell's palate by this brutally crunchy pre-sweetened breakfast food."

Crazed Loiterer Strikes Again

DOVER, DE—Crazed fugitive loiterer Bob Puhl continued his six-month around-standing spree Tuesday, loitering in the Dover Public Library for more than three hours before escaping. "This is a man who is intent on loitering as much as possible, with no regard for society or the laws that govern it," Dover police chief James Fry said. "But mark my words, we will find him. And he will have plenty of time to stand around and do nothing where he's going." Delaware has already spent $600,000 on efforts to catch the immobile offender, as well as on counseling for victims of his unrepentant standing.

Hot Girl Mentions Boyfriend Three Hours Into Conversation

PORTLAND, OR—After a stimulating three-hour conversation about personal philosophies, career aspirations and their shared passion for Thai food, tennis and Billy Joel, Portland State junior Bryan Holtzman was caught off guard by sophomore Jenny Lowe's off-handed mention of her boyfriend of three years. "Well, that's just fuckin' great," Holtzman said after the conversation. "I dropped every hint in the book. You'd think she'd have picked up on it. I even asked her about her bracelet: Gift from her father, she says. Smooth sailing, I figure. Shit."

Area Man Can't Remember Whether He Rented Mimic Or The Relic

PETOSKEY, MI—Less than five hours after viewing one film or the other, area resident Chris Olle was unable to recall whether he rented Mimic or The Relic Monday night. "It's the one where they're underground, and everything's dripping, and the thing is trying to get them," Olle said of the unspecifically recalled film. "You know, the one with the tunnels. With the blonde? They're running with flashlights, trying to get away from the huge monster. They're either under this museum or under New York. I'm not sure."

Report: U.S. Children Lead World In Hand-Mouth Coordination

UNITED NATIONS—A U.N. study released Monday reported that U.S. children rank first in the world in hand-mouth coordination. "American children can move items from their hands into their mouths faster, better and more efficiently than anyone," the report read. "The children of no other nation can claim such hand-mouth prowess." The four-year study of the physical abilities of children in 157 countries also found that U.S. children finish an Oscar Mayer Lunchables Fun Pack in just under two minutes, nearly twice as fast as the world average.

Standish's Revelation

Back safe and secure in my estate, I was anxious to be reunited with my seven sons, U. Fairfax, V. Lucius, J. Phineas, R. Buckminster, G. Talmadge, M. Prescott and D. Manfred. As I wandered about the wild frontier with my man-servant Standish, I grew to miss them greatly, even D. Manfred, the bastard off-spring of the late Mrs. Zweibel and the coal-hauler. After all, they are my children and heirs, and must have suffered from the theft of my fortune as much as I.

Tha Autobiography Of Herbert K

What tha dilly yo, mah homies? Tha H-Dog be keepin' it real at Midstate Office Supply, still kickin' it hardcore as tha Mack Daddy Enforca of tha Accountz Reeceevable Department. Jus' got my annual evaluation, and shit if I ain't tha baddest stone-cold supastar in tha whole third-floor administrative office. Tha comptrolla, Gerald Luckenbill, not only be approvin' me for a raise, he gonna nominate my ass for Employee Of Tha Month for April, 'cause I not only balanced tha shit out of tha Midstate ledga this month; my department led tha whole goddamn company in tha numba of cans collected foe tha muthafuckin' 1999 Kiwanis Club Food Drive. Tha future be looking SUH-WEET for tha H-Dog, Gs.
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Telemarketing Industry Celebrates First Sale

The successful sales pitch marks the first time an American has ever actually purchased a product or service from a stranger via the medium of telephone.

Business Watch

"It was the dinner hour, a time of day when I'm home, relaxed and receptive to being approached by solicitors, and the phone rang," Eppard said. "Imagine my delight when it turned out to be a friendly offer for big, big savings on nationally known magazine titles."

In addition to a 24-month subscription to Time, Eppard purchased one-year subscriptions to Sport, Motor Trend and Field & Stream. In return, Eppard has been asked to set aside $2.87 a week—less than the price of a fast-food meal.

"To give you an idea what a great deal that is, Time alone costs $3.50 a week on the newsstand. But with Reader's Choice Service Bureau, I'll be getting Time and three other great magazines for even less money!"

"I urged them to call me again if they ever came up with another great offer like this, and to tell any other companies who might have similar bargains that I would like to hear about them immediately," Eppard said. "Perhaps they could add my name to some sort of list of prospective customers that could then be sent around."

Eppard said that, among many other things, he was thoroughly impressed by the company representative's pleasant phone demeanor. "The woman I spoke with called me by my name and asked how I was doing, which is what my best friends do," he said. "I felt more like I was catching up with an old college pal than receiving a sales pitch from a telemarketer earning $6.10 an hour."

One of the 740,000 members of the U.S. telemarketing industry, which enjoyed its first sale Monday.

Added Eppard: "My new friend did have some trouble pronouncing my name at first, but I was more than happy to help her along."

After introducing herself with a friendly, two-part greeting, the representative, Kimberly Billnitzer of Omaha, informed Eppard that Reader's Choice Service Bureau had specially selected him for a special offer of 24 months worth of subscriptions to popular magazines.

"I felt like I'd hit the lottery," Eppard said. "Despite my dreams of success and prestige, I've never been specially selected for anything in my entire life."

But the sale was not without its obstacles. "I did have some reservations at first, such as my busy schedule—I wasn't sure I had the time to get through one of the magazines, let alone all four. So, as much as I hated to do so, I told Kimberly I didn't think this offer was for me."

Billnitzer, however, was successful in swaying Eppard. "She pointed out that, given the low price, even if there were only one great article in each magazine that I really enjoyed or benefited from, wouldn't that be worth the purchase price?" Eppard said. "Kimberly seemed well-prepared to counter all of my hesitations and objections. That really impressed me."

Reader's Choice Service Bureau CEO Bob Siemans expressed excitement over the industry's first-ever sale.

"We at Reader's Choice Service Bureau, a division of Triglobal Periodicals, are delighted to have launched the telemarketing industry into an exciting new realm of commercial success with this inaugural sale," Siemans said. "We feel that in the coming decade, we could as much as triple this phenomenal success, thanks to hard workers like Kimberly."

For successfully closing the sale, Billnitzer will receive a $50 bonus at the end of the current pay period, provided she makes an additional 19 sales by the end of the week.

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