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Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Television, Processed Foods Couldn't Be More Proud Of Child They Raised

The loving, unending well of support for Madsen.
The loving, unending well of support for Madsen.

CHICAGO—After more than two decades of watching over and providing for him, the nation's television and processed food industries announced this week that they couldn't be more happy with how Brian Madsen, 23, has turned out.

"We're just so proud of Brian and everything he's failed to accomplish in his largely sedentary and insipid life," said ABC president Stephen McPherson, whose network was there to receive the Chicago-area infant the day he came home from the hospital. "Sure, we did our best to try and instill in Brian our own lack of values, and we always hoped he'd follow the trivial lessons imparted by our programming, but with children, you never really know how they're going to end up until you see it for yourself."

"Just look at him sitting there with absolutely nothing on his mind," McPherson continued. "He's our pride and joy."

Jo Ann Smith, board member of the frozen meals conglomerate Tyson Foods, said she was equally delighted with the dangerously obese young man her company helped raise. According to the wistful executive, she still remembers the first time her "little darling Brian," then only 13 months old, took his first steps toward a plate of deep fried chicken strips, completely ignoring a bowl of fresh fruit as he toddled by.

The product of 23-years under the watchful eyes of HBO and Wendy's.

"I always knew Brian was going to be something special," said Smith, adding that she nearly cried the first time she heard Madsen say her company's name out loud. "We just had this amazing bond right from the start. Whether he was upset about something that happened at school, angry about being rejected by his peers, or just feeling depressed in general, Brian knew he could always turn to Tyson Foods to comfort him."

Noting how willingly Madsen accepted their guidance, and how much he truly loved them both, the nation's television and processed food producers stated that it had been "magical" watching the small child blossom into a 241-pound adult.

Fox TV executive Mike Darnell told reporters that it didn't seem so long ago that a frightened and confused Madsen turned to his television set late one night with questions about sex, and an episode of Baywatch was there to answer them all.

"It's little things like that you remember most," said Darnell, whose network also taught Madsen "everything he knows" about disconnecting from reality and staring slack-jawed out into space. "Just knowing that I played a small part in helping to emotionally and intellectually stunt another life—there's really nothing better in the world."

Irene Rosenfeld, CEO of Kraft Foods, agreed.

"There's just so many great memories," Rosenfeld said. "The time Brian spent all afternoon eating Easy Mac when he could have been out hitting his first Little League home run, the family-size bag of marshmallows he slowly devoured while the rest of his graduating class attended prom. I'll treasure them all."

A number of television and processed food executives admitted that they worried about the growing child from time to time. According to CBS brass, Madsen went through an unusual phase during high school when he began to think and act for himself, a development they found shocking.

In addition, Coca-Cola executives said they would never "in a million years" forget the scare they received one morning when Madsen briefly expressed interest in joining a nearby YMCA.

Nevertheless, sources said, Madsen could not have turned out any better.

"To see him all grown-up and ready to face the world is incredibly exciting," said Craig Johnson, president of Philip Morris USA, whose company stepped in and helped the shy and directionless boy to become a man. "Call me biased, but I have a feeling we're going to hear a lot from Brian in the next decade or two he has left."

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