Television, Processed Foods Couldn't Be More Proud Of Child They Raised

Top Headlines

Food

Outback

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.

Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips

COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream a...

FDA Recalls Food

WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S.

Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites

BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing ...

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoo...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Food

Outback

Television, Processed Foods Couldn't Be More Proud Of Child They Raised

The loving, unending well of support for Madsen.
The loving, unending well of support for Madsen.

CHICAGO—After more than two decades of watching over and providing for him, the nation's television and processed food industries announced this week that they couldn't be more happy with how Brian Madsen, 23, has turned out.

"We're just so proud of Brian and everything he's failed to accomplish in his largely sedentary and insipid life," said ABC president Stephen McPherson, whose network was there to receive the Chicago-area infant the day he came home from the hospital. "Sure, we did our best to try and instill in Brian our own lack of values, and we always hoped he'd follow the trivial lessons imparted by our programming, but with children, you never really know how they're going to end up until you see it for yourself."

"Just look at him sitting there with absolutely nothing on his mind," McPherson continued. "He's our pride and joy."

Jo Ann Smith, board member of the frozen meals conglomerate Tyson Foods, said she was equally delighted with the dangerously obese young man her company helped raise. According to the wistful executive, she still remembers the first time her "little darling Brian," then only 13 months old, took his first steps toward a plate of deep fried chicken strips, completely ignoring a bowl of fresh fruit as he toddled by.

The product of 23-years under the watchful eyes of HBO and Wendy's.

"I always knew Brian was going to be something special," said Smith, adding that she nearly cried the first time she heard Madsen say her company's name out loud. "We just had this amazing bond right from the start. Whether he was upset about something that happened at school, angry about being rejected by his peers, or just feeling depressed in general, Brian knew he could always turn to Tyson Foods to comfort him."

Noting how willingly Madsen accepted their guidance, and how much he truly loved them both, the nation's television and processed food producers stated that it had been "magical" watching the small child blossom into a 241-pound adult.

Fox TV executive Mike Darnell told reporters that it didn't seem so long ago that a frightened and confused Madsen turned to his television set late one night with questions about sex, and an episode of Baywatch was there to answer them all.

"It's little things like that you remember most," said Darnell, whose network also taught Madsen "everything he knows" about disconnecting from reality and staring slack-jawed out into space. "Just knowing that I played a small part in helping to emotionally and intellectually stunt another life—there's really nothing better in the world."

Irene Rosenfeld, CEO of Kraft Foods, agreed.

"There's just so many great memories," Rosenfeld said. "The time Brian spent all afternoon eating Easy Mac when he could have been out hitting his first Little League home run, the family-size bag of marshmallows he slowly devoured while the rest of his graduating class attended prom. I'll treasure them all."

A number of television and processed food executives admitted that they worried about the growing child from time to time. According to CBS brass, Madsen went through an unusual phase during high school when he began to think and act for himself, a development they found shocking.

In addition, Coca-Cola executives said they would never "in a million years" forget the scare they received one morning when Madsen briefly expressed interest in joining a nearby YMCA.

Nevertheless, sources said, Madsen could not have turned out any better.

"To see him all grown-up and ready to face the world is incredibly exciting," said Craig Johnson, president of Philip Morris USA, whose company stepped in and helped the shy and directionless boy to become a man. "Call me biased, but I have a feeling we're going to hear a lot from Brian in the next decade or two he has left."

Next Story