adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
End Of Section
  • More News

Television, Processed Foods Couldn't Be More Proud Of Child They Raised

The loving, unending well of support for Madsen.
The loving, unending well of support for Madsen.

CHICAGO—After more than two decades of watching over and providing for him, the nation's television and processed food industries announced this week that they couldn't be more happy with how Brian Madsen, 23, has turned out.

"We're just so proud of Brian and everything he's failed to accomplish in his largely sedentary and insipid life," said ABC president Stephen McPherson, whose network was there to receive the Chicago-area infant the day he came home from the hospital. "Sure, we did our best to try and instill in Brian our own lack of values, and we always hoped he'd follow the trivial lessons imparted by our programming, but with children, you never really know how they're going to end up until you see it for yourself."

"Just look at him sitting there with absolutely nothing on his mind," McPherson continued. "He's our pride and joy."

Jo Ann Smith, board member of the frozen meals conglomerate Tyson Foods, said she was equally delighted with the dangerously obese young man her company helped raise. According to the wistful executive, she still remembers the first time her "little darling Brian," then only 13 months old, took his first steps toward a plate of deep fried chicken strips, completely ignoring a bowl of fresh fruit as he toddled by.

The product of 23-years under the watchful eyes of HBO and Wendy's.

"I always knew Brian was going to be something special," said Smith, adding that she nearly cried the first time she heard Madsen say her company's name out loud. "We just had this amazing bond right from the start. Whether he was upset about something that happened at school, angry about being rejected by his peers, or just feeling depressed in general, Brian knew he could always turn to Tyson Foods to comfort him."

Noting how willingly Madsen accepted their guidance, and how much he truly loved them both, the nation's television and processed food producers stated that it had been "magical" watching the small child blossom into a 241-pound adult.

Fox TV executive Mike Darnell told reporters that it didn't seem so long ago that a frightened and confused Madsen turned to his television set late one night with questions about sex, and an episode of Baywatch was there to answer them all.

"It's little things like that you remember most," said Darnell, whose network also taught Madsen "everything he knows" about disconnecting from reality and staring slack-jawed out into space. "Just knowing that I played a small part in helping to emotionally and intellectually stunt another life—there's really nothing better in the world."

Irene Rosenfeld, CEO of Kraft Foods, agreed.

"There's just so many great memories," Rosenfeld said. "The time Brian spent all afternoon eating Easy Mac when he could have been out hitting his first Little League home run, the family-size bag of marshmallows he slowly devoured while the rest of his graduating class attended prom. I'll treasure them all."

A number of television and processed food executives admitted that they worried about the growing child from time to time. According to CBS brass, Madsen went through an unusual phase during high school when he began to think and act for himself, a development they found shocking.

In addition, Coca-Cola executives said they would never "in a million years" forget the scare they received one morning when Madsen briefly expressed interest in joining a nearby YMCA.

Nevertheless, sources said, Madsen could not have turned out any better.

"To see him all grown-up and ready to face the world is incredibly exciting," said Craig Johnson, president of Philip Morris USA, whose company stepped in and helped the shy and directionless boy to become a man. "Call me biased, but I have a feeling we're going to hear a lot from Brian in the next decade or two he has left."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close