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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Temple University Receives Anonymous Donation To Build Center For Discrediting Rape Allegations

PHILADELPHIA—Stipulating that the funds be used for “furthering the invalidation of sexual assault claims wherever they occur,” an anonymous donation received Thursday by Temple University is reportedly intended to be used to build a center for discrediting rape allegations. “The donor, who has chosen to withhold his identity, requested that his $30 million endowment go toward a facility dedicated to undermining accusations of sexual abuse,” said alumni relations representative Cheryl Walker, adding that an unsigned letter accompanying the sizable contribution specified that the center act as a campuswide resource for damaging the reputation of rape victims, as well as a hub for research into methods of sowing doubt about sexual misconduct charges. “This benefactor, who is clearly a very wealthy individual, made plain through his legal intermediary that all students, faculty, and alumni have access to the center, and that especially promising work into tearing apart rape allegations until the accuser herself becomes an object of ridicule—even if such discrediting occurs decades after the fact—could receive additional funding.” Walker added that while $30 million was a significant amount of money, Temple had chosen to decline the funding and hoped it would not hear from the anonymous donor again.

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