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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Temple University Receives Anonymous Donation To Build Center For Discrediting Rape Allegations

PHILADELPHIA—Stipulating that the funds be used for “furthering the invalidation of sexual assault claims wherever they occur,” an anonymous donation received Thursday by Temple University is reportedly intended to be used to build a center for discrediting rape allegations. “The donor, who has chosen to withhold his identity, requested that his $30 million endowment go toward a facility dedicated to undermining accusations of sexual abuse,” said alumni relations representative Cheryl Walker, adding that an unsigned letter accompanying the sizable contribution specified that the center act as a campuswide resource for damaging the reputation of rape victims, as well as a hub for research into methods of sowing doubt about sexual misconduct charges. “This benefactor, who is clearly a very wealthy individual, made plain through his legal intermediary that all students, faculty, and alumni have access to the center, and that especially promising work into tearing apart rape allegations until the accuser herself becomes an object of ridicule—even if such discrediting occurs decades after the fact—could receive additional funding.” Walker added that while $30 million was a significant amount of money, Temple had chosen to decline the funding and hoped it would not hear from the anonymous donor again.

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